December 10th - The Effects Have Begun To Show

Well it has been a little over a month since my last blog posting and to say it has been a roller coaster month of emotions would be a complete understatement.  I don't know that there is a thrill ride I have ever ridden on that I could compare to the mood swings I have experienced this past month.  While I have had many days where I have felt really good and celebrated positive days, there have been plenty where it has been the direct opposite.  When I have had depressed days, it has been to the point where all I want to do is lay on the couch and stare at the wall.  I literally would have no interest in even watching the TV.  On a positive note, when I have had good days and urges to want to binge on those days, I have been able to find ways to distract myself and fight through those urges without caving in.  However, on the flip side of things, when I have been in my depressed moods, the binges have been absolutely massive and I would pay the price both physically and emotionally.

I do have to say that while my migraines have come back a little in frequency, it has been fairly explainable in part to the increase in food intake and stress of my added depression.  Other than that, things have been doing well with the migraines.

However, the majority of the issues have been surrounded by the binge eating.  First, as you all know I have been seeing a therapist and nutritionist at an eating disorder clinic ever since I was diagnosed with B.E.D..  However, I was informed early last week that the clinic would be closing and my therapist was also leaving the practice to go elsewhere.  So not only did I have to decide if I wanted to go to a different location within the same clinic, but I had to decide if I would be ok with developing another rapport with a different therapist.  After a few days of consideration, I decided that staying with my same clinic and keeping my nutritionist would be the better option.  I informed my therapist of the decision and we had one last meeting this past week for me to update her on how things have been since it had been awhile.  In talking about I had essentially stalled in my progress and it appeared that my binge eating was becoming more and more evident to be reactionary to events, she suggested the idea of looking into a treatment called Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy with my new therapist.  Her hypothesis for this is that perhaps my binge eating was perhaps a defense mechanism I developed as a result of an underlying emotion or something in relation to past trauma(s) or something.  My plan is to explain to everyone in a future vlog on the Hope For Recovery YouTube channel on what EMDR therapy is and when is it used.

Aside from the eating disorder clinic, I had an appointment to see my primary physician earlier this week to update him on some issues I have been having with relation to mood, fatigue, and my blood sugar.  So as a result, he ordered a whole slew of labs to see where things are at and rule out some possible conditions.  As a result of the visit and labs, my depression is probably at the highest I have ever had it and the binges the worst they have been as I am trying to process this and realizing that the binge eating effects have begun to show.  Prior to seeing the doctor, I had purchased a blood sugar monitor to spot check my blood sugars as I was having days where I would feel absolutely crummy and experiencing signs that I could only explain as high blood sugar symptoms.  about a week and a half ago, I had a reading of 121 and 243.  For those of you who don't know the normal levels of blood sugar readings.  A healthy person should really hover right around 100.  Certainly 243 is an alarming number for a healthy person.  My blood sugar lab came back normal which was a relief.  However, because I am starting to have high readings at home, my doctor diagnosed me as borderline diabetic in my chart.  Also, as part of my check-in with the nurse, my blood pressure reading was about 140's / 100's which is very high.  Normal blood pressures should be about 120/80 - 140/80 max.  So as a result I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and put on a blood pressure medication.  Lastly, I was also diagnosed with high cholesterol as my cholesterol labs came back as the worst levels I have ever had.  As of right now I have not been put on any medication for the cholesterol but am still waiting to hear back that my doctor has acknowledged the labs.

I realize that I am at a crossroads in my life and a change needs to be made.  Many people tell me "well just stop eating so much food and start exercising! You are just going to have to do it otherwise you are going to kill yourself!"  My answer to that is that statement plays in my head literally 24 hours a day 7 days a week whether someone says it to me or not.  The problem is when I think of ways to plan my meals out, or set myself up for success, or simply order a healthy meal at a restaurant or decide on purchasing something healthy to cook at home for dinner, it is not that I don't mind doing it, my brain then turns to overdrive mode of anxiety and panic that I am looking at a box of food but have no limits other than the extent of how far my stomach is willing to stretch of how much I can eat.  So then to try and calm that anxiety, all I think about then is just buying any kind of food that will make me feel better regardless of quantity or nutrition counts.  So then I essentially begin to feel like a prisoner in my own brain.

Well that is pretty much all the update I have for everyone this time.  I should be posting more frequently now both here and on the Hope For Recovery YouTube Channel so keep an eye out there as well.  As always, if you know someone with an eating disorder that could use someone to talk to, reach out to them yourself and offer them your support or else I would be more than happy to talk with them as someone that is going through a similar pain they are.  Thank you all for the words of support and encouragement and I will talk to you soon!