Time For An Honest Commitment

Well today marked the start of a new chapter on my road of recovery.  Today started Day 1 of my Thrive experience as I began the supplement regiment that I talked about in my last blog post called.  While my week did not start out the greatest, I was able to turn little positives into a growing snowball of momentum to today.

On Monday, I had the follow-up appointment with my GI doc to discuss all the abdominal issues I have been having after my last scan.  Due to how my symptoms have been presenting, she diagnosed me with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).  Current treatment plans for IBS include dietary changes called FODMAP, and also medications to treat both the acute or sudden episodic symptoms of IBS as well as to treat the chronic nature of IBS.  While I was feeling ok to try the medications for when I have acute episodes, I was feeling the complete opposite regarding the chronic medications.  After hearing the doc explain the potential side effects, I asked her about interactions with my other medications.  While she wasn't able to give me much insight, we agreed that I would check in with my primary and see which of the two medications would be worth trying.  However, after I got home and being the healthcare professional I am, I began researching only the common interactions that occur with my medications.  Most were not that concerning until I came to my migraine medication.  One of the most common interactions is increased fatigue which is a common side effect of each individually but can be made worse when taken together.  Another is difficulty concentrating and lack of focus.  This decision took me the entire week to ponder and after significant consultation, and confirming my research, I have decided that I have built up enough momentum and my focus is in a much different place that I don't want to add an addition medication that could set me back and add more stress with side effects to deal with.  Effectively, I don't feel at this time that the benefits outweigh the risks.

It is time for me to take my life back.  It is time for me to make an honest commitment to God, myself, my wife, and my son.  Recently, a passage in my Spartan X training program really struck a cord and has given me a mantra that I have been reciting ever since, "Honest commitment means that you will do what you say you are going to even when you don't feel like doing it.  Furthermore, public commitment increases the likelihood of you remaining loyal to your journey".  It is one thing to say you are going to do some.  It is another to put words into actions and hold yourself accountable.  I am sick and tired of letting myself get sicker and sicker and the new chapter has begun.

Below is a picture of the three pillars to this new chapter and in the coming blog posts I will be writing, I will go into much more detail about them.  Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support and I love you all.

Also, don't forget to click below and check out Catie's Thrive page and see what the Thrive supplement regiment is all about and how to place an order!

Catie's Thrive Page

Finding My North

Recently I came across another crossroads in life and for the first time in quite a long time, I feel quite certain in my choice as it being the best for both myself and my family.  For those of you that know me know that I have been struggling like crazy with just staying healthy and missing quite a bit of work.  Anywhere from the flu, pneumonia, stomach issues, to severe migraines (back with a vengeance).  I have been desperate to feel any sense of normalcy.  Feeling so helpless and down on myself, I had a couple experiences that started sparking some positivity and inspiration in my heart.  

I recently went on an outing with my wife and son for my sons birthday.  There was a small stretch where I had to carry my son while climbing a VERY small incline.  When I got to the top of this incline, I felt like I was going to absolutely pass out.  While I continued on an enjoyed my sons birthday, I spent the time traveling home thinking hard about that moment.  In nearly 2 weeks, I will be celebrating 60 days as a recovering overeater and in abstinence from bingeing.  However, this moment really started getting me thinking that my health has suffered quite significantly.  It kinda made me think of an analogy of a boat with a gaping hole in it.  I have been able to get the patch in place by getting my binges and severe overeating under control.  However, without following it up by addressing my health concerns with a holistic approach, that patch is going to only slow the leaking and ultimately cause the boat to sink.  While I wound up getting really sick this past week and had to take time off work, I was able to reflect on what I need to do to get myself better.

First, the physical approach to my changes.  While I have always found doing running races fun and exhilarating to finish, I always struggled with it because of how out of shape I have become.  What I am going to do instead is find races that I will enjoy in other ways and focus more on just finishing that race instead of beating a time or distance.  Already, I have plans to run a 5K for the first time with my son a week from today and then the weekend of the Twin Cities Marathon, run the 5K with my son as wife along side me.  Also, I have plans to venture into the obstacle race realm with the Rugged Maniac race next month and then I aim to start the Spartan journey next year.  Aside from getting out and walking and working my way up to runs, I am starting to look at various training methods that will give my body a more overall workout such as CrossFit or some of these at home workouts.  Feel free to give me comments about your own experiences or thoughts on programs that worked well for you.

Second, I also decided to try a supplement program that hopefully with help me replace nutrients that I haven't been getting, boost my metabolism, and help strengthen my foundation to stay heading in the right direction.  The supplement program I am talking about is Thrive from the Le-Vel company.  My wife discovered the product from a friend of hers at work and definitely has seen benefits already while only being on it for nearly a month.  Seeing these benefits and researching the product significantly, I decided to give it a try and will be including my progress with it in upcoming blogs once I receive my shipment.  I will also include the link to my wife's promoter page for you all to check everything out.

Third, the psychological approach to my changes.  In searching through the Spartan Race details and programs, I discovered that they have a fairly extensive program and approach to getting you in shape to conquer (namely their races) anything you set your mind to.  One of these is the Spartan Delta.  This Delta is a way to motivate yourself in focusing your mind, body, and soul on improving your life.  I have included a link with more details about this below.  One of the points to the Delta is the Spartan X program.  This is a modular program that gets you to focus your psyche on achieving your goals and setting yourself up to overcome adversity.  While I have just started this online learning program, there have already been parts of the modules that have gotten me thinking about life in more positive ways.

Lastly, the spiritual approach to my changes.  This has been more about my overeating recovery program and looking for spiritual guidance to get through these tough times.  I do daily devotionals and ask God to guide me in good times and bad.  While praying to God for guidance is certainly a spiritual approach, I also view reading stories for inspiration and strength to persevere.  I found myself looking back at videos that I would watch when I lost 100lbs and was training to run the Twin Cities Marathon nearly 5 years ago.  One video that got me immediately connected to their mantra was the story of Dick and Rick Hoyt.  Aside from their overall story, seeing the speech that Rick made at the 2013 ESPN Espys when him and his dad were awarded the Jimmy V Perseverance Award was absolutely mesmerizing and emotional.  It really got me thinking that no matter how difficult I may think things are, I can always find a way to say "Yes you can" and push through feeling tired, hurt, or unmotivated.

Again, I have included a few links below.  Check them out and also feel free to let me know what fitness/training programs have worked for you.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to my family, friends, and supporters that have encouraged me through all these difficult times and will cherish your kinship forever.

Catie's Thrive Promoter Page

Spartan Delta Philosophy

Dick and Rick Hoyt at the 2013 ESPN ESPYs accepting the Jimmy V Award

Step 1: Admit defeat and say goodbye

Today, I begin the process of admitting that I am powerless over several aspects of my life.  Food has long been a means to what I thought was comfort and happiness.  However, this crutch I have spent the last year and a half realizing it held a significant power over my life.  My road to recovery has held nothing but soul searching, understanding, and acceptance over the state my life has been in.  I have loved every minute being a father and seeing my son grow into the boy he has become.  I have also loved living my life with Catie and furthering our marriage.  Obviously, with the effects my excessive food intake has done to my body has taken its toll and I have not been able to do half the things I used to, Catie and I have had to work even harder to connect and work through things.  As part of my soul searching, I have come to realize that many of my binges and excessive intake has been due to stressors from all sorts of angles.

A couple months ago, I made a first step in reducing my stress by closing a chapter that created a tremendous amount of stress and frustration in spite of the tremendous amount of personal growth I was able to accomplish.  Also, over the past year, I have faced increased health concerns with being diagnosed as pre-diabetic and high blood pressure.  On top of that all, I am now facing potential diagnoses of inflammatory bowel syndrome and epilepsy.  With all the tremendous amount of stressors in my life that have been triggering many of my bingeing episodes, it is time to for once think about my family, my career, and my health and well-being.  Probably the one bright spot personally happened in March when I was blessed with being hired as a med/surg nurse and having many more open doors to further my career.  I have loved every minute and hope that things are able to stabilize with my health and I can spread my wings and grow at work.

First, I have spent the last several weeks understanding where my current status with food and have come to realize that it is time to take the first step at admitting that I am powerless over food and that my relationship with it has controlled my life.  I have begun to identify my trigger foods and situations and am formulating a plan of abstention from them.  Next, I have spent quite a bit of time in devotion and reflection this past week as I have started my devotional studies through "The Resolution of Men" book on my journey to becoming a better husband and father.  Reading through the first chapter, I was surprised how well it meshed with my admission that I am powerless over my emotions with food.  In the chapter, there is a passage that was quite an eye-opener that got me rather emotional: "Disengaged and drifting.  They have been given the position of leadership over their families and have been placed in the driver's seat.  But over time, they have been lulled into a dream by their own passivity and the allures of a dark, seductive culture".  I fully admit that I have been so disengaged and just drifting through life.

Thank you all for your support and love throughout this time.  My plan is to reignite the blog and begin posting at least twice a week to keep you all updated as well as continue the conversation around eating disorders and mental illness.  Until next time. Love ya all...

Every New Beginning, Comes From Some Other Beginnings End...

Writing a new blog post has been long overdue.  I have to admit that things have been crazy busy and I have been finding myself slipping farther and farther away from my road to recovery.  Let's take an inventory where things are right now.  I no longer go to the eating disorder clinic as I have lost all drive to stick with the treatment plan for several reasons.  My migraines have begun to make a pretty strong comeback.  My energy level is to a point where I have to take at least one nap if not two each and every day.  While my binges are not as frequent, my relationship with food still is with large portions and emotionally driven.

To try and get a grip on my eating, I have been looking for a different approach.  What I have found is a support group and different approach to the treatment of over/binge eating.  After one meeting, I am quite positive about continuing along this path.  Having the ability to talk to others about their struggles and what they have done to stay in recovery.  Also, I have realized through a significant about of internal reflection, I have been only focusing on the physical and psychological aspect of binge eating.  Many of you may think, well that covers pretty much everything that would need to be covered in treatment.  Well as a nurse, I realized that this does not take the entire holistic approach to treatment.  Not just in treatment but in many other aspects I have realized that I need to focus on my spiritual needs.  Recently I watched a speech on YouTube made by one of the actors that was in the movie Courageous.  I have posted comments about this movie in the past but for whatever reason, this speech sparked a huge spiritual fire in me that made me realize that God is ready and willing to help guide me through this difficult time, it is up to me to make the first move and embrace his teachings and guidance.  In this speech I watched, here is the excerpt that got me thinking about my current state of affairs spiritually.  It was given at a workshop/seminar where the actor was there to help guide men in attendance through the process of becoming better husbands and fathers:

"I got three questions for you.  Before we even get started.  First question is, if not you then who?  If you don't stand for your family then who will.  If you don't make a stand to believe in God, and what the power of Christ can do in your life then who will.  If not you then who, If not now then when?  We've made all kind of excuses "I'll do it tomorrow, I'll do it next week, I'll do it on Easter, I'll do it on Christmas, I promise you I will.  But we never get to that chance".  If not now then when.  If not you then who, if not now then when, if not here then where?  Where are you going to do it?  I'll just wait until I get back to my car and then I will do it.  The Lord is waiting on you, he's waiting... If you need to do business with God, then you get out of your seat, come down to the altar and do your business with God.  That is what tonight is about, being Courageous.  Stepping out in place of your fear and moving toward the cross.  It isn't about watching Courageous, it is about BEING courageous."

I have realized that God has always been ready to guide me through these difficult times.  However, instead of embracing him and the teachings of Christ, I have looked the opposite way and focused more on the things that have distracted me from following God, and looking to him for his guidance.  As was said in the speech, the Lord has been waiting for me, I just needed to get myself off my chair and look towards the cross to get better.  I have given in to fear and not be courageous about my relationship with God.

One scripture passage that was quoted in this speech really tied this together in my head and got me focusing on my journey forward, not the present or the past.  In Romans 12:2, it says "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God".  It is time to stop conforming to the fact that I have a disease and to renew my thoughts, prayers, and actions that focuses more on the guidance from God's teachings on what I need to do to get better.  I need to renew my mind away from the thinking that while I have a mental condition that causes me to association my emotions with eating food.  What I new to renew my thoughts, prayers, and actions on are that I am powerless over my eating and emotions.  However, I need to also focus on the fact that I am not alone in my journey now with God as my savior and guidance along with my family and friends for support.  Again in this speech I watched, Keven Bevel talks about the day he made the choice to be courageous and believe in the fact that the Lord Jesus Christ is his personal savior.  What he described was an event where a stranger came up to him during a very difficult time in his life and asked the question "Do you know that the Lord Jesus Christ is your personal savior?"  Ken responded with the answer "No but I need to".  Today is the day that I choose to turn from my current path and embrace the Lord Jesus Christ as my savior.

I now realize that God has a plan for me in this life.  If it is writing my story through the struggles of binge eating and other negatives to help people in their journey of recovery, then so be it.  If it is to be a nurse and help all patients and families in their difficult time, then so be it.  No matter what, it is my time to stand up and be courageous to the fact that God will know what I can handle and provide me with all the tools and support I will need to fulfill my purpose in life.

Now that I am at the beginning of the crossroads of recovery, you may ask how will I focus my time and energy to get better.  Out of the movie Courageous, there was a bible study program that was created to allow men to transform and renew their mind on the priorities of their life in a way where God becomes the primary focus in their life followed by the prioritizing of being a more devoted and loving husband and father.  If any of you have seen the movie, you know how the male figures in the movie find a way to turn their focus on this path.  They turn to scripture and devotion to fulfill different acts of faith and transformation with the culmination of signing a resolution.  This resolution follows the same philosophy of what is said in Luke 9:23.  It says, "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me".  It is in this passage and God's teachings that I have decided to take up the cross and work over the next few months work to refocus my mind in preparation of making the following resolution and commitment this summer before and to God, my friends, and family:

"I XXXXXX, do solemnly resolve before God.  To take full responsibility for myself, my wife, and my children.  I will love them, protect them, and serve them.  And teach them the statues of God as a spiritual leader of my home.  I will be faithful to my wife, to love and honor her.  And be willing to lay down my life for her as Christ did for me.  I will teach my son to love God with all of his heart, all of his mind, and all of his strength.  And I will train him to honor authority and live responsibly.  I will confront evil, pursue justice, and love mercy.  I will treat others with kindness, and compassion.  I will work diligently to provide for the needs of my family.  I will forgive those who have wronged me, and reconcile with those whom I have wronged.  I will walk in integrity as a man answerable to God.  I will seek to honor God, obey his word, and do his will. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord".

As I prepare to make this resolution this summer, I invite all of my friends and family to partake and attend this special day when I plan to commit to, recite, and sign this resolution.  As the time get's closer I will let you all know a more specific date, time, and place.

Below I have posted both the video clip from the movie Courageous where the husband/father's in the movie make this resolution to show an example of what all is involved in the process.  I have also posted the recording/video of Ken Bevel's speech I referenced in this blog.

As always, I encourage everyone to like, share, copy/paste, or whatever social media method you choose to acknowledge this blog so that my message of hope and the possibility of recovery can reach others in a way that they will see that they are not alone in their journey and do not have to suffer in silence. Thank you all for your love, support, and encouragement and you can all look forward to more frequent posts from here on out as I chronicle my journey.

Courageous, Resolution Ceremony

Ken Bevel's Speech, Courage At The Crossroads