Step 1: Admit defeat and say goodbye

Today, I begin the process of admitting that I am powerless over several aspects of my life.  Food has long been a means to what I thought was comfort and happiness.  However, this crutch I have spent the last year and a half realizing it held a significant power over my life.  My road to recovery has held nothing but soul searching, understanding, and acceptance over the state my life has been in.  I have loved every minute being a father and seeing my son grow into the boy he has become.  I have also loved living my life with Catie and furthering our marriage.  Obviously, with the effects my excessive food intake has done to my body has taken its toll and I have not been able to do half the things I used to, Catie and I have had to work even harder to connect and work through things.  As part of my soul searching, I have come to realize that many of my binges and excessive intake has been due to stressors from all sorts of angles.

A couple months ago, I made a first step in reducing my stress by closing a chapter that created a tremendous amount of stress and frustration in spite of the tremendous amount of personal growth I was able to accomplish.  Also, over the past year, I have faced increased health concerns with being diagnosed as pre-diabetic and high blood pressure.  On top of that all, I am now facing potential diagnoses of inflammatory bowel syndrome and epilepsy.  With all the tremendous amount of stressors in my life that have been triggering many of my bingeing episodes, it is time to for once think about my family, my career, and my health and well-being.  Probably the one bright spot personally happened in March when I was blessed with being hired as a med/surg nurse and having many more open doors to further my career.  I have loved every minute and hope that things are able to stabilize with my health and I can spread my wings and grow at work.

First, I have spent the last several weeks understanding where my current status with food and have come to realize that it is time to take the first step at admitting that I am powerless over food and that my relationship with it has controlled my life.  I have begun to identify my trigger foods and situations and am formulating a plan of abstention from them.  Next, I have spent quite a bit of time in devotion and reflection this past week as I have started my devotional studies through "The Resolution of Men" book on my journey to becoming a better husband and father.  Reading through the first chapter, I was surprised how well it meshed with my admission that I am powerless over my emotions with food.  In the chapter, there is a passage that was quite an eye-opener that got me rather emotional: "Disengaged and drifting.  They have been given the position of leadership over their families and have been placed in the driver's seat.  But over time, they have been lulled into a dream by their own passivity and the allures of a dark, seductive culture".  I fully admit that I have been so disengaged and just drifting through life.

Thank you all for your support and love throughout this time.  My plan is to reignite the blog and begin posting at least twice a week to keep you all updated as well as continue the conversation around eating disorders and mental illness.  Until next time. Love ya all...