Time For An Honest Commitment

Well today marked the start of a new chapter on my road of recovery.  Today started Day 1 of my Thrive experience as I began the supplement regiment that I talked about in my last blog post called.  While my week did not start out the greatest, I was able to turn little positives into a growing snowball of momentum to today.

On Monday, I had the follow-up appointment with my GI doc to discuss all the abdominal issues I have been having after my last scan.  Due to how my symptoms have been presenting, she diagnosed me with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).  Current treatment plans for IBS include dietary changes called FODMAP, and also medications to treat both the acute or sudden episodic symptoms of IBS as well as to treat the chronic nature of IBS.  While I was feeling ok to try the medications for when I have acute episodes, I was feeling the complete opposite regarding the chronic medications.  After hearing the doc explain the potential side effects, I asked her about interactions with my other medications.  While she wasn't able to give me much insight, we agreed that I would check in with my primary and see which of the two medications would be worth trying.  However, after I got home and being the healthcare professional I am, I began researching only the common interactions that occur with my medications.  Most were not that concerning until I came to my migraine medication.  One of the most common interactions is increased fatigue which is a common side effect of each individually but can be made worse when taken together.  Another is difficulty concentrating and lack of focus.  This decision took me the entire week to ponder and after significant consultation, and confirming my research, I have decided that I have built up enough momentum and my focus is in a much different place that I don't want to add an addition medication that could set me back and add more stress with side effects to deal with.  Effectively, I don't feel at this time that the benefits outweigh the risks.

It is time for me to take my life back.  It is time for me to make an honest commitment to God, myself, my wife, and my son.  Recently, a passage in my Spartan X training program really struck a cord and has given me a mantra that I have been reciting ever since, "Honest commitment means that you will do what you say you are going to even when you don't feel like doing it.  Furthermore, public commitment increases the likelihood of you remaining loyal to your journey".  It is one thing to say you are going to do some.  It is another to put words into actions and hold yourself accountable.  I am sick and tired of letting myself get sicker and sicker and the new chapter has begun.

Below is a picture of the three pillars to this new chapter and in the coming blog posts I will be writing, I will go into much more detail about them.  Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support and I love you all.

Also, don't forget to click below and check out Catie's Thrive page and see what the Thrive supplement regiment is all about and how to place an order!

Catie's Thrive Page

Finding My North

Recently I came across another crossroads in life and for the first time in quite a long time, I feel quite certain in my choice as it being the best for both myself and my family.  For those of you that know me know that I have been struggling like crazy with just staying healthy and missing quite a bit of work.  Anywhere from the flu, pneumonia, stomach issues, to severe migraines (back with a vengeance).  I have been desperate to feel any sense of normalcy.  Feeling so helpless and down on myself, I had a couple experiences that started sparking some positivity and inspiration in my heart.  

I recently went on an outing with my wife and son for my sons birthday.  There was a small stretch where I had to carry my son while climbing a VERY small incline.  When I got to the top of this incline, I felt like I was going to absolutely pass out.  While I continued on an enjoyed my sons birthday, I spent the time traveling home thinking hard about that moment.  In nearly 2 weeks, I will be celebrating 60 days as a recovering overeater and in abstinence from bingeing.  However, this moment really started getting me thinking that my health has suffered quite significantly.  It kinda made me think of an analogy of a boat with a gaping hole in it.  I have been able to get the patch in place by getting my binges and severe overeating under control.  However, without following it up by addressing my health concerns with a holistic approach, that patch is going to only slow the leaking and ultimately cause the boat to sink.  While I wound up getting really sick this past week and had to take time off work, I was able to reflect on what I need to do to get myself better.

First, the physical approach to my changes.  While I have always found doing running races fun and exhilarating to finish, I always struggled with it because of how out of shape I have become.  What I am going to do instead is find races that I will enjoy in other ways and focus more on just finishing that race instead of beating a time or distance.  Already, I have plans to run a 5K for the first time with my son a week from today and then the weekend of the Twin Cities Marathon, run the 5K with my son as wife along side me.  Also, I have plans to venture into the obstacle race realm with the Rugged Maniac race next month and then I aim to start the Spartan journey next year.  Aside from getting out and walking and working my way up to runs, I am starting to look at various training methods that will give my body a more overall workout such as CrossFit or some of these at home workouts.  Feel free to give me comments about your own experiences or thoughts on programs that worked well for you.

Second, I also decided to try a supplement program that hopefully with help me replace nutrients that I haven't been getting, boost my metabolism, and help strengthen my foundation to stay heading in the right direction.  The supplement program I am talking about is Thrive from the Le-Vel company.  My wife discovered the product from a friend of hers at work and definitely has seen benefits already while only being on it for nearly a month.  Seeing these benefits and researching the product significantly, I decided to give it a try and will be including my progress with it in upcoming blogs once I receive my shipment.  I will also include the link to my wife's promoter page for you all to check everything out.

Third, the psychological approach to my changes.  In searching through the Spartan Race details and programs, I discovered that they have a fairly extensive program and approach to getting you in shape to conquer (namely their races) anything you set your mind to.  One of these is the Spartan Delta.  This Delta is a way to motivate yourself in focusing your mind, body, and soul on improving your life.  I have included a link with more details about this below.  One of the points to the Delta is the Spartan X program.  This is a modular program that gets you to focus your psyche on achieving your goals and setting yourself up to overcome adversity.  While I have just started this online learning program, there have already been parts of the modules that have gotten me thinking about life in more positive ways.

Lastly, the spiritual approach to my changes.  This has been more about my overeating recovery program and looking for spiritual guidance to get through these tough times.  I do daily devotionals and ask God to guide me in good times and bad.  While praying to God for guidance is certainly a spiritual approach, I also view reading stories for inspiration and strength to persevere.  I found myself looking back at videos that I would watch when I lost 100lbs and was training to run the Twin Cities Marathon nearly 5 years ago.  One video that got me immediately connected to their mantra was the story of Dick and Rick Hoyt.  Aside from their overall story, seeing the speech that Rick made at the 2013 ESPN Espys when him and his dad were awarded the Jimmy V Perseverance Award was absolutely mesmerizing and emotional.  It really got me thinking that no matter how difficult I may think things are, I can always find a way to say "Yes you can" and push through feeling tired, hurt, or unmotivated.

Again, I have included a few links below.  Check them out and also feel free to let me know what fitness/training programs have worked for you.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to my family, friends, and supporters that have encouraged me through all these difficult times and will cherish your kinship forever.

Catie's Thrive Promoter Page

Spartan Delta Philosophy

Dick and Rick Hoyt at the 2013 ESPN ESPYs accepting the Jimmy V Award

Step 1: Admit defeat and say goodbye

Today, I begin the process of admitting that I am powerless over several aspects of my life.  Food has long been a means to what I thought was comfort and happiness.  However, this crutch I have spent the last year and a half realizing it held a significant power over my life.  My road to recovery has held nothing but soul searching, understanding, and acceptance over the state my life has been in.  I have loved every minute being a father and seeing my son grow into the boy he has become.  I have also loved living my life with Catie and furthering our marriage.  Obviously, with the effects my excessive food intake has done to my body has taken its toll and I have not been able to do half the things I used to, Catie and I have had to work even harder to connect and work through things.  As part of my soul searching, I have come to realize that many of my binges and excessive intake has been due to stressors from all sorts of angles.

A couple months ago, I made a first step in reducing my stress by closing a chapter that created a tremendous amount of stress and frustration in spite of the tremendous amount of personal growth I was able to accomplish.  Also, over the past year, I have faced increased health concerns with being diagnosed as pre-diabetic and high blood pressure.  On top of that all, I am now facing potential diagnoses of inflammatory bowel syndrome and epilepsy.  With all the tremendous amount of stressors in my life that have been triggering many of my bingeing episodes, it is time to for once think about my family, my career, and my health and well-being.  Probably the one bright spot personally happened in March when I was blessed with being hired as a med/surg nurse and having many more open doors to further my career.  I have loved every minute and hope that things are able to stabilize with my health and I can spread my wings and grow at work.

First, I have spent the last several weeks understanding where my current status with food and have come to realize that it is time to take the first step at admitting that I am powerless over food and that my relationship with it has controlled my life.  I have begun to identify my trigger foods and situations and am formulating a plan of abstention from them.  Next, I have spent quite a bit of time in devotion and reflection this past week as I have started my devotional studies through "The Resolution of Men" book on my journey to becoming a better husband and father.  Reading through the first chapter, I was surprised how well it meshed with my admission that I am powerless over my emotions with food.  In the chapter, there is a passage that was quite an eye-opener that got me rather emotional: "Disengaged and drifting.  They have been given the position of leadership over their families and have been placed in the driver's seat.  But over time, they have been lulled into a dream by their own passivity and the allures of a dark, seductive culture".  I fully admit that I have been so disengaged and just drifting through life.

Thank you all for your support and love throughout this time.  My plan is to reignite the blog and begin posting at least twice a week to keep you all updated as well as continue the conversation around eating disorders and mental illness.  Until next time. Love ya all...

Every New Beginning, Comes From Some Other Beginnings End...

Writing a new blog post has been long overdue.  I have to admit that things have been crazy busy and I have been finding myself slipping farther and farther away from my road to recovery.  Let's take an inventory where things are right now.  I no longer go to the eating disorder clinic as I have lost all drive to stick with the treatment plan for several reasons.  My migraines have begun to make a pretty strong comeback.  My energy level is to a point where I have to take at least one nap if not two each and every day.  While my binges are not as frequent, my relationship with food still is with large portions and emotionally driven.

To try and get a grip on my eating, I have been looking for a different approach.  What I have found is a support group and different approach to the treatment of over/binge eating.  After one meeting, I am quite positive about continuing along this path.  Having the ability to talk to others about their struggles and what they have done to stay in recovery.  Also, I have realized through a significant about of internal reflection, I have been only focusing on the physical and psychological aspect of binge eating.  Many of you may think, well that covers pretty much everything that would need to be covered in treatment.  Well as a nurse, I realized that this does not take the entire holistic approach to treatment.  Not just in treatment but in many other aspects I have realized that I need to focus on my spiritual needs.  Recently I watched a speech on YouTube made by one of the actors that was in the movie Courageous.  I have posted comments about this movie in the past but for whatever reason, this speech sparked a huge spiritual fire in me that made me realize that God is ready and willing to help guide me through this difficult time, it is up to me to make the first move and embrace his teachings and guidance.  In this speech I watched, here is the excerpt that got me thinking about my current state of affairs spiritually.  It was given at a workshop/seminar where the actor was there to help guide men in attendance through the process of becoming better husbands and fathers:

"I got three questions for you.  Before we even get started.  First question is, if not you then who?  If you don't stand for your family then who will.  If you don't make a stand to believe in God, and what the power of Christ can do in your life then who will.  If not you then who, If not now then when?  We've made all kind of excuses "I'll do it tomorrow, I'll do it next week, I'll do it on Easter, I'll do it on Christmas, I promise you I will.  But we never get to that chance".  If not now then when.  If not you then who, if not now then when, if not here then where?  Where are you going to do it?  I'll just wait until I get back to my car and then I will do it.  The Lord is waiting on you, he's waiting... If you need to do business with God, then you get out of your seat, come down to the altar and do your business with God.  That is what tonight is about, being Courageous.  Stepping out in place of your fear and moving toward the cross.  It isn't about watching Courageous, it is about BEING courageous."

I have realized that God has always been ready to guide me through these difficult times.  However, instead of embracing him and the teachings of Christ, I have looked the opposite way and focused more on the things that have distracted me from following God, and looking to him for his guidance.  As was said in the speech, the Lord has been waiting for me, I just needed to get myself off my chair and look towards the cross to get better.  I have given in to fear and not be courageous about my relationship with God.

One scripture passage that was quoted in this speech really tied this together in my head and got me focusing on my journey forward, not the present or the past.  In Romans 12:2, it says "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God".  It is time to stop conforming to the fact that I have a disease and to renew my thoughts, prayers, and actions that focuses more on the guidance from God's teachings on what I need to do to get better.  I need to renew my mind away from the thinking that while I have a mental condition that causes me to association my emotions with eating food.  What I new to renew my thoughts, prayers, and actions on are that I am powerless over my eating and emotions.  However, I need to also focus on the fact that I am not alone in my journey now with God as my savior and guidance along with my family and friends for support.  Again in this speech I watched, Keven Bevel talks about the day he made the choice to be courageous and believe in the fact that the Lord Jesus Christ is his personal savior.  What he described was an event where a stranger came up to him during a very difficult time in his life and asked the question "Do you know that the Lord Jesus Christ is your personal savior?"  Ken responded with the answer "No but I need to".  Today is the day that I choose to turn from my current path and embrace the Lord Jesus Christ as my savior.

I now realize that God has a plan for me in this life.  If it is writing my story through the struggles of binge eating and other negatives to help people in their journey of recovery, then so be it.  If it is to be a nurse and help all patients and families in their difficult time, then so be it.  No matter what, it is my time to stand up and be courageous to the fact that God will know what I can handle and provide me with all the tools and support I will need to fulfill my purpose in life.

Now that I am at the beginning of the crossroads of recovery, you may ask how will I focus my time and energy to get better.  Out of the movie Courageous, there was a bible study program that was created to allow men to transform and renew their mind on the priorities of their life in a way where God becomes the primary focus in their life followed by the prioritizing of being a more devoted and loving husband and father.  If any of you have seen the movie, you know how the male figures in the movie find a way to turn their focus on this path.  They turn to scripture and devotion to fulfill different acts of faith and transformation with the culmination of signing a resolution.  This resolution follows the same philosophy of what is said in Luke 9:23.  It says, "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me".  It is in this passage and God's teachings that I have decided to take up the cross and work over the next few months work to refocus my mind in preparation of making the following resolution and commitment this summer before and to God, my friends, and family:

"I XXXXXX, do solemnly resolve before God.  To take full responsibility for myself, my wife, and my children.  I will love them, protect them, and serve them.  And teach them the statues of God as a spiritual leader of my home.  I will be faithful to my wife, to love and honor her.  And be willing to lay down my life for her as Christ did for me.  I will teach my son to love God with all of his heart, all of his mind, and all of his strength.  And I will train him to honor authority and live responsibly.  I will confront evil, pursue justice, and love mercy.  I will treat others with kindness, and compassion.  I will work diligently to provide for the needs of my family.  I will forgive those who have wronged me, and reconcile with those whom I have wronged.  I will walk in integrity as a man answerable to God.  I will seek to honor God, obey his word, and do his will. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord".

As I prepare to make this resolution this summer, I invite all of my friends and family to partake and attend this special day when I plan to commit to, recite, and sign this resolution.  As the time get's closer I will let you all know a more specific date, time, and place.

Below I have posted both the video clip from the movie Courageous where the husband/father's in the movie make this resolution to show an example of what all is involved in the process.  I have also posted the recording/video of Ken Bevel's speech I referenced in this blog.

As always, I encourage everyone to like, share, copy/paste, or whatever social media method you choose to acknowledge this blog so that my message of hope and the possibility of recovery can reach others in a way that they will see that they are not alone in their journey and do not have to suffer in silence. Thank you all for your love, support, and encouragement and you can all look forward to more frequent posts from here on out as I chronicle my journey.

Courageous, Resolution Ceremony

Ken Bevel's Speech, Courage At The Crossroads

December 10th - The Effects Have Begun To Show

Well it has been a little over a month since my last blog posting and to say it has been a roller coaster month of emotions would be a complete understatement.  I don't know that there is a thrill ride I have ever ridden on that I could compare to the mood swings I have experienced this past month.  While I have had many days where I have felt really good and celebrated positive days, there have been plenty where it has been the direct opposite.  When I have had depressed days, it has been to the point where all I want to do is lay on the couch and stare at the wall.  I literally would have no interest in even watching the TV.  On a positive note, when I have had good days and urges to want to binge on those days, I have been able to find ways to distract myself and fight through those urges without caving in.  However, on the flip side of things, when I have been in my depressed moods, the binges have been absolutely massive and I would pay the price both physically and emotionally.

I do have to say that while my migraines have come back a little in frequency, it has been fairly explainable in part to the increase in food intake and stress of my added depression.  Other than that, things have been doing well with the migraines.

However, the majority of the issues have been surrounded by the binge eating.  First, as you all know I have been seeing a therapist and nutritionist at an eating disorder clinic ever since I was diagnosed with B.E.D..  However, I was informed early last week that the clinic would be closing and my therapist was also leaving the practice to go elsewhere.  So not only did I have to decide if I wanted to go to a different location within the same clinic, but I had to decide if I would be ok with developing another rapport with a different therapist.  After a few days of consideration, I decided that staying with my same clinic and keeping my nutritionist would be the better option.  I informed my therapist of the decision and we had one last meeting this past week for me to update her on how things have been since it had been awhile.  In talking about I had essentially stalled in my progress and it appeared that my binge eating was becoming more and more evident to be reactionary to events, she suggested the idea of looking into a treatment called Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy with my new therapist.  Her hypothesis for this is that perhaps my binge eating was perhaps a defense mechanism I developed as a result of an underlying emotion or something in relation to past trauma(s) or something.  My plan is to explain to everyone in a future vlog on the Hope For Recovery YouTube channel on what EMDR therapy is and when is it used.

Aside from the eating disorder clinic, I had an appointment to see my primary physician earlier this week to update him on some issues I have been having with relation to mood, fatigue, and my blood sugar.  So as a result, he ordered a whole slew of labs to see where things are at and rule out some possible conditions.  As a result of the visit and labs, my depression is probably at the highest I have ever had it and the binges the worst they have been as I am trying to process this and realizing that the binge eating effects have begun to show.  Prior to seeing the doctor, I had purchased a blood sugar monitor to spot check my blood sugars as I was having days where I would feel absolutely crummy and experiencing signs that I could only explain as high blood sugar symptoms.  about a week and a half ago, I had a reading of 121 and 243.  For those of you who don't know the normal levels of blood sugar readings.  A healthy person should really hover right around 100.  Certainly 243 is an alarming number for a healthy person.  My blood sugar lab came back normal which was a relief.  However, because I am starting to have high readings at home, my doctor diagnosed me as borderline diabetic in my chart.  Also, as part of my check-in with the nurse, my blood pressure reading was about 140's / 100's which is very high.  Normal blood pressures should be about 120/80 - 140/80 max.  So as a result I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and put on a blood pressure medication.  Lastly, I was also diagnosed with high cholesterol as my cholesterol labs came back as the worst levels I have ever had.  As of right now I have not been put on any medication for the cholesterol but am still waiting to hear back that my doctor has acknowledged the labs.

I realize that I am at a crossroads in my life and a change needs to be made.  Many people tell me "well just stop eating so much food and start exercising! You are just going to have to do it otherwise you are going to kill yourself!"  My answer to that is that statement plays in my head literally 24 hours a day 7 days a week whether someone says it to me or not.  The problem is when I think of ways to plan my meals out, or set myself up for success, or simply order a healthy meal at a restaurant or decide on purchasing something healthy to cook at home for dinner, it is not that I don't mind doing it, my brain then turns to overdrive mode of anxiety and panic that I am looking at a box of food but have no limits other than the extent of how far my stomach is willing to stretch of how much I can eat.  So then to try and calm that anxiety, all I think about then is just buying any kind of food that will make me feel better regardless of quantity or nutrition counts.  So then I essentially begin to feel like a prisoner in my own brain.

Well that is pretty much all the update I have for everyone this time.  I should be posting more frequently now both here and on the Hope For Recovery YouTube Channel so keep an eye out there as well.  As always, if you know someone with an eating disorder that could use someone to talk to, reach out to them yourself and offer them your support or else I would be more than happy to talk with them as someone that is going through a similar pain they are.  Thank you all for the words of support and encouragement and I will talk to you soon!

October 24th - Progress is slow and sometimes painful

All I have to say is that I really hate that progress and recovery from an eating disorder is often pure hell.  Not so much because of the physical effects, but the emotional struggles that have to take place in order to retrain the brain to recognize healthy eating and what satiety is.  I had another visit with my team at the eating disorder clinic this week and we decided to start back up a tactic that I had some success in the past before my migraines had started several months ago.  This is used commonly in eating disorders and also in other mental illness treatments.

Because my binges tend to be pretty intense, there is no expectation for me to start right away at trying to wait 5 minutes before bingeing.  Instead, I will be simply trying to hold off as long as I possibly can (which usually is less than a minute) and then try to extend the time as I can.  That being said, since my last blog update, I have averaged a binge about every other day primarily due to high stress and depression.  What is hard is that I do have some positive things to look forward to in my life but the sad and depressed feelings are just coming on so strong and all I can think about is to shove my mouth full of food to make it better.  Or at least to take the edge off.  This is probably the best I can describe the constant battle that goes on in my head and I would imagine in alot of other individuals heads that have binge eating disorder.  It is a constant struggle to turn to food as a coping mechanism.  Not because seeing food is a trigger to anything (although for some it is) but as a comfort measure.  Thats why I can go out to dinner with friends or family and be just fine eating a regular meal.  It is when I am by myself or find some way to get away to be by myself and hit my stash of food and binge away in order to make things feel better.  

Thankfully, I have found another avenue to process my emotions and at least delay binges by writing blog posts here while also working to expand my efforts to create awareness about binge eating disorder and mental illness.  Especially now that things are picking up with starting the vlog channel on YouTube.  As some of you may have seen on Instagram, the editing of the opening credits has begin as well as the initial taping and writing of the outline for the first video.  My hope is to have the first video out within the week and then see how things go as to how frequent I will get videos out after that.

I know I have said this in every blog post up until now, but I want to extend a profound thank you to each and every one of you guys that have extended your kind words of support to me both for my struggles as of late and for the campaign taking off.  It has helped me push even harder seeing the outpouring of support grow exponentially.  Thank you all and I will talk to you all soon again!

I encourage you all to subscribe to the Hope For Recover YouTube channel so when the first video is uploaded, you can be the first ones to be able to view it!

Hope For Recovery YouTube Channel

October 21st - Questions answered about Binge Eating Disorder, PLUS A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

I will be writing a more detailed blog post about how things have been going since my last post in a day or two.  However, today I wanted to post another informational blog post about binge eating disorder.  This stems from many questions I get from family, friends, and strangers about what binge eating disorder is.  Also, people will often ask while deciding on places to eat out whether I would be ok with it because of my bingeing.  My hope is that this graphic (while very brief) will help shed a little light on what binge eating disorder is, the emotional aspects to it, and what it means to binge.  I encourage you to reach out and ask me any questions you may have about binge eating disorder as this is a fairly new classified eating disorder in comparison to others (i.e. anorexia nervosa, bulimia).  I am more than happy to answer any questions.

Now, on to my big announcement.  After a lot of consideration, planning, and research, I have decided to expand my efforts to share my message to another social media platform.  While Blogger, Facebook, and Twitter has been my primary means to process my own emotional and physical journey through binge eating disorder, I am finding that there is a large audience I have not been able to get my message out to.  As stated in an earlier blog post, depression and mental illness begins at such a young age and even more startling, suicide is the 3rd biggest killer of all youth 10-24.  What is the one social media site that this age group has a huge connection to and finds much of their education on?  YouTube.  That's right, I have decided that to expand my reach and help spread my message to the ages where eating disorders, depression, and suicide often are diagnosed the most and go untreated the most.  I have included the link to my channel below that I have created already in preparation of uploading videos.  As soon as the remaining of my equipment arrives in the next couple of days I will begin uploading vlog posts in conjunction with posts here.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help spread the word by subscribing to my YouTube channel and when videos start posting hitting the "like" or "thumbs-up" button as well as encouraging your friends to do the same.  Slowly but surely we are all making an impact and getting the message out there to those who are need!

Hope For Recovery YouTube Channel