July 18th - One Step Forward, One Step Back

While I have been able to have some success in fighting through binges, it has still been difficult and mentally taxing.  Even while using some of my new meditation techniques to work through my urges to binge, they are still as strong as ever and all I want to do is find any food in sight and shove it in my mouth.

Unfortunately, I woke up with a migraine yesterday morning and used my new DHE injection and Aleve.  Thankfully it worked well except that I forgot that the headache specialist told me to take my Zofran 15 minutes before the injection because the DHE has a tendency to cause nausea.  So I wound up actually having a nauseated feeling for most of the day.  Other than that episode yesterday, I have been without a migraine since then.  

As a result of the nauseated feeling and stress from the migraine, I wound up having frequent and strong urges to binge all day yesterday.  One thing that I have found that has consistently helped to cause me to feel fuller much quicker during binges is we have had eggs and bacon most of the mornings on vacation and I have had quite a bit each morning.  This has allowed my stomach to take longer to digest the food and stay fuller longer.  When I get the binge urges, I have actually been consuming maybe half of what I used to eat.  That being said though, yesterday I had about 3 times where I had the crazy "shove my mouth with food" feeling and twice I was not able to fight through it and caved into the urge because of the intensity.  I feel good that I am able to work through some of the urges but I also am beginning to get this feeling that I can't be expected to go through life being in torture each time I get a binge urge to fight with myself and not eat.  I also don't know why, but today I am having quite a feeling of being depressed in general.  I have been trying to reflect and pinpoint where it is coming from or what the root source is but I can't figure it out.  I suppose just trying to figure out and not being able to is just making things worse.  Overall, still trying to stay positive and use every small victory to help me carry through to the next.

As far as a coping tip to leave you with, I give you the first of many songs that I have found that relate to the emotions I have been feeling as well as them serving as motivation to keep pushing on to keep faith that things will get better.  This song actually has two versions.  One version is sung by the christian group Philips, Craig, and Dean.  The other version of the song is sung by Danny Gokey who was a 3rd place runner up contestant on one of the more recent seasons of American Idol.  I hope you enjoy the songs and can relate to their message as well.

Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Philips, Craig, and Dean

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_iKP5jdTxQ

Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcnIJYkgVS8