September 17th - Don't Know What To Do Right Now

It certainly has been quite a long time since I have posted a blog entry and my has it been a roller coaster of a month and a half.  My migraines have certainly improved in frequency and intensity as I am at the max dose that my headache specialist wanted me to get to.  I still get them frequently but nowhere near as bad as before.  However, when they do come, I still have to try and get my school work done around the pain and side effects.

What has actually become more of the issue is the eating side of things.  Because of the decreased appetite side effect of the Topamax that I am taking, the binging episodes have definitely been interrupted.  However, I have now been experiencing more anorexia than binge eating.  On average, I have been eating 1000-1200 calories per day and have lost quite a bit of weight.  What is difficult about this is that I have absolutely no hunger cue and will go the entire day with out feeling any desire to eat even a small little snack.  To describe the little hungry cue I do get is only later in the day around dinner time'ish if I haven't eaten anything then entire day.  When I do get that cue it is only equivalent to what most people have around what would probably be mid to late morning as they head towards lunch time and have already had breakfast and just feel a little bit hungry.

What is frustrating with this is that I know that I need to eat and am feeling the effects of not having the proper nutrients and nourishment my body needs.  However, I literally have to force myself to eat when sometimes I literally feel like I have no desire or urge to consume any food whatsoever.  The only thing that has been helpful to eat has been Catie cooking meals or having easy grab and go food.

What keeps eating away at me is that I have so many activities and things I would like to do.  But not matter how hard I try to work at getting better, it seems like I just keep taking steps backward and it just makes depression build and build and build.  I guess the next step is to keep trying to find more ways to find positives big or small to build off of and build from there.