This quote unfortunately hit me very hard yesterday and today. I know things have been going really well and even in my positive days I have had ups and downs. However, today for first time in four months since before I first started my Topamax migraine medication I had a food binge and a pretty heavy binge at that. Obviously I have realized now that the side effects of the Topamax have settled down and my appetite has come back combined with one of the highest levels of stress I have had for quite awhile. Being homesick away from family for several days, having a bad test in class, and swamped with alot of classwork while at clinical has just hit me so fast and as strong as I have been I could not hold steadfast long enough and relapsed.
I have been told my several people that they don't really know much about binge eating disorder and what it is like for people that have the disorder. When I started this blog, answer that very question was one reason. Another was to help keep me accountable and help process my emotions. With that being said, I have been done with my clinical prep-work at the hotel since 1am and have since stayed up bingeing and trying to find any way possible to stop and cope in some other way. It is now 6am and I have 30 minutes to get ready for my clinical. These are just some of the emotions to battle through. I did finally decide that I need to come up with something to interrupt the binge(s) right away and not remind me how bad and crippling they are. As much anxiety and embarrassment as it will cause me to show this I have decided it is something I must do. Below I am going to post a list of what I binged on with the shortened nutrition facts with recommended daily intake (RDA) plus a picture of the pile of containers. First it will give you a visualization and two it will give me a visual reminder as well. So here goes nothing:
1.) 10 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
2.) 3 8oz Cans of Dr. Pepper
3.) 1 20oz Bottle of Dr. Pepper
4.) 16 4oz cups of Dole Cherry Mixed Fruit
5.) 1 8oz bag of Lays Biscuits and Gravy Chips
6.) 1 Large Stuffed Crust Pizza Hut Pizza
Total Nutritional Facts- Calories Consumed: 6840 (2750), Fat Consumed: 254g (<80g), Sodium Consumed: 9165mg (<2000mg), Carbs Consumed: 979g (225-325g), Sugar Consumed: 576g (37.5g).
Even writing the rest of this blog still it is impossibly difficult to fight with myself not to just delete the post as a struggle to hide my shame of what I did. Plus as I finish this blog it is actually now Oct. 16th and I have already had a smaller binge of a 12pc KFC extra crispy chicken bucket which is the following: Calories: 3620, Total Fat: 245g, Sodium: 8060mg, Total Carbs: 140g, Sugars: 0g
I know I have stayed strong for all of you for so long and though I was past having to worry about binging again. But obviously it is like the quote I posted at the beginning of the blog post, it is just like trying to walk all over again. Thank you all for your understanding and sorry for the "debby downer" blog post just after the campaign post I just did. I promise as I work through this bump in the road I will keep blogging to continue my mission of creating binge eating and eating disorder awareness.
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