December 10th - The Effects Have Begun To Show

Well it has been a little over a month since my last blog posting and to say it has been a roller coaster month of emotions would be a complete understatement.  I don't know that there is a thrill ride I have ever ridden on that I could compare to the mood swings I have experienced this past month.  While I have had many days where I have felt really good and celebrated positive days, there have been plenty where it has been the direct opposite.  When I have had depressed days, it has been to the point where all I want to do is lay on the couch and stare at the wall.  I literally would have no interest in even watching the TV.  On a positive note, when I have had good days and urges to want to binge on those days, I have been able to find ways to distract myself and fight through those urges without caving in.  However, on the flip side of things, when I have been in my depressed moods, the binges have been absolutely massive and I would pay the price both physically and emotionally.

I do have to say that while my migraines have come back a little in frequency, it has been fairly explainable in part to the increase in food intake and stress of my added depression.  Other than that, things have been doing well with the migraines.

However, the majority of the issues have been surrounded by the binge eating.  First, as you all know I have been seeing a therapist and nutritionist at an eating disorder clinic ever since I was diagnosed with B.E.D..  However, I was informed early last week that the clinic would be closing and my therapist was also leaving the practice to go elsewhere.  So not only did I have to decide if I wanted to go to a different location within the same clinic, but I had to decide if I would be ok with developing another rapport with a different therapist.  After a few days of consideration, I decided that staying with my same clinic and keeping my nutritionist would be the better option.  I informed my therapist of the decision and we had one last meeting this past week for me to update her on how things have been since it had been awhile.  In talking about I had essentially stalled in my progress and it appeared that my binge eating was becoming more and more evident to be reactionary to events, she suggested the idea of looking into a treatment called Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy with my new therapist.  Her hypothesis for this is that perhaps my binge eating was perhaps a defense mechanism I developed as a result of an underlying emotion or something in relation to past trauma(s) or something.  My plan is to explain to everyone in a future vlog on the Hope For Recovery YouTube channel on what EMDR therapy is and when is it used.

Aside from the eating disorder clinic, I had an appointment to see my primary physician earlier this week to update him on some issues I have been having with relation to mood, fatigue, and my blood sugar.  So as a result, he ordered a whole slew of labs to see where things are at and rule out some possible conditions.  As a result of the visit and labs, my depression is probably at the highest I have ever had it and the binges the worst they have been as I am trying to process this and realizing that the binge eating effects have begun to show.  Prior to seeing the doctor, I had purchased a blood sugar monitor to spot check my blood sugars as I was having days where I would feel absolutely crummy and experiencing signs that I could only explain as high blood sugar symptoms.  about a week and a half ago, I had a reading of 121 and 243.  For those of you who don't know the normal levels of blood sugar readings.  A healthy person should really hover right around 100.  Certainly 243 is an alarming number for a healthy person.  My blood sugar lab came back normal which was a relief.  However, because I am starting to have high readings at home, my doctor diagnosed me as borderline diabetic in my chart.  Also, as part of my check-in with the nurse, my blood pressure reading was about 140's / 100's which is very high.  Normal blood pressures should be about 120/80 - 140/80 max.  So as a result I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and put on a blood pressure medication.  Lastly, I was also diagnosed with high cholesterol as my cholesterol labs came back as the worst levels I have ever had.  As of right now I have not been put on any medication for the cholesterol but am still waiting to hear back that my doctor has acknowledged the labs.

I realize that I am at a crossroads in my life and a change needs to be made.  Many people tell me "well just stop eating so much food and start exercising! You are just going to have to do it otherwise you are going to kill yourself!"  My answer to that is that statement plays in my head literally 24 hours a day 7 days a week whether someone says it to me or not.  The problem is when I think of ways to plan my meals out, or set myself up for success, or simply order a healthy meal at a restaurant or decide on purchasing something healthy to cook at home for dinner, it is not that I don't mind doing it, my brain then turns to overdrive mode of anxiety and panic that I am looking at a box of food but have no limits other than the extent of how far my stomach is willing to stretch of how much I can eat.  So then to try and calm that anxiety, all I think about then is just buying any kind of food that will make me feel better regardless of quantity or nutrition counts.  So then I essentially begin to feel like a prisoner in my own brain.

Well that is pretty much all the update I have for everyone this time.  I should be posting more frequently now both here and on the Hope For Recovery YouTube Channel so keep an eye out there as well.  As always, if you know someone with an eating disorder that could use someone to talk to, reach out to them yourself and offer them your support or else I would be more than happy to talk with them as someone that is going through a similar pain they are.  Thank you all for the words of support and encouragement and I will talk to you soon!

October 24th - Progress is slow and sometimes painful

All I have to say is that I really hate that progress and recovery from an eating disorder is often pure hell.  Not so much because of the physical effects, but the emotional struggles that have to take place in order to retrain the brain to recognize healthy eating and what satiety is.  I had another visit with my team at the eating disorder clinic this week and we decided to start back up a tactic that I had some success in the past before my migraines had started several months ago.  This is used commonly in eating disorders and also in other mental illness treatments.

Because my binges tend to be pretty intense, there is no expectation for me to start right away at trying to wait 5 minutes before bingeing.  Instead, I will be simply trying to hold off as long as I possibly can (which usually is less than a minute) and then try to extend the time as I can.  That being said, since my last blog update, I have averaged a binge about every other day primarily due to high stress and depression.  What is hard is that I do have some positive things to look forward to in my life but the sad and depressed feelings are just coming on so strong and all I can think about is to shove my mouth full of food to make it better.  Or at least to take the edge off.  This is probably the best I can describe the constant battle that goes on in my head and I would imagine in alot of other individuals heads that have binge eating disorder.  It is a constant struggle to turn to food as a coping mechanism.  Not because seeing food is a trigger to anything (although for some it is) but as a comfort measure.  Thats why I can go out to dinner with friends or family and be just fine eating a regular meal.  It is when I am by myself or find some way to get away to be by myself and hit my stash of food and binge away in order to make things feel better.  

Thankfully, I have found another avenue to process my emotions and at least delay binges by writing blog posts here while also working to expand my efforts to create awareness about binge eating disorder and mental illness.  Especially now that things are picking up with starting the vlog channel on YouTube.  As some of you may have seen on Instagram, the editing of the opening credits has begin as well as the initial taping and writing of the outline for the first video.  My hope is to have the first video out within the week and then see how things go as to how frequent I will get videos out after that.

I know I have said this in every blog post up until now, but I want to extend a profound thank you to each and every one of you guys that have extended your kind words of support to me both for my struggles as of late and for the campaign taking off.  It has helped me push even harder seeing the outpouring of support grow exponentially.  Thank you all and I will talk to you all soon again!

I encourage you all to subscribe to the Hope For Recover YouTube channel so when the first video is uploaded, you can be the first ones to be able to view it!

Hope For Recovery YouTube Channel

October 21st - Questions answered about Binge Eating Disorder, PLUS A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

I will be writing a more detailed blog post about how things have been going since my last post in a day or two.  However, today I wanted to post another informational blog post about binge eating disorder.  This stems from many questions I get from family, friends, and strangers about what binge eating disorder is.  Also, people will often ask while deciding on places to eat out whether I would be ok with it because of my bingeing.  My hope is that this graphic (while very brief) will help shed a little light on what binge eating disorder is, the emotional aspects to it, and what it means to binge.  I encourage you to reach out and ask me any questions you may have about binge eating disorder as this is a fairly new classified eating disorder in comparison to others (i.e. anorexia nervosa, bulimia).  I am more than happy to answer any questions.

Now, on to my big announcement.  After a lot of consideration, planning, and research, I have decided to expand my efforts to share my message to another social media platform.  While Blogger, Facebook, and Twitter has been my primary means to process my own emotional and physical journey through binge eating disorder, I am finding that there is a large audience I have not been able to get my message out to.  As stated in an earlier blog post, depression and mental illness begins at such a young age and even more startling, suicide is the 3rd biggest killer of all youth 10-24.  What is the one social media site that this age group has a huge connection to and finds much of their education on?  YouTube.  That's right, I have decided that to expand my reach and help spread my message to the ages where eating disorders, depression, and suicide often are diagnosed the most and go untreated the most.  I have included the link to my channel below that I have created already in preparation of uploading videos.  As soon as the remaining of my equipment arrives in the next couple of days I will begin uploading vlog posts in conjunction with posts here.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help spread the word by subscribing to my YouTube channel and when videos start posting hitting the "like" or "thumbs-up" button as well as encouraging your friends to do the same.  Slowly but surely we are all making an impact and getting the message out there to those who are need!

Hope For Recovery YouTube Channel

October 19th - Giving in to what I don't have control of

For the last several days, it has been quite apparent that my binge eating has been back and with quite the veracity.  Being the nurse that I am with the caring mindset of always wanting to fix whatever is wrong, it has been driving me absolutely mad trying to figure out why it is back and so strong.  As the weekend kept going on, even while at clinical, my feelings of depression just kept growing and growing.  It has come to a point today that I have decided that in order to heal I need to follow the prayer that I say to myself every night before I go to bed.

What I have decided to submit to today is that I obviously have no control over this eating disorder as much as I thought I did before.  I need to trust in the process and look to help and support of my recovery team, family, and friends to rebuild my foundation and live my life that is not bound by the torture and jail of my mind that is causing me to turn to food to cope with my emotions.

I will share one video that I discovered this morning.  I originally saw this artist as a visiting artist at college where she performed for the students.  Even then I though she was an amazing performer.  However, seeing this video absolutely struck a nerve and helped me come to the thoughts I had to write the blog post today.  Shannon Curtis is such an amazing artist traveling the country spreading the same message of tolerance and awareness that those with mental illness are not alone, we have all been through hardships, and all need to help one another.  Again, thank you all for your support through this difficult stretch and hope to make the turn towards positive days ahead.

Shannon Curtis - I Know I Know

October 15th - Nobody Is Perfect

"Recovery feels like shit.  It didn't feel like I was doing something good; it felt like I was giving up.  It feels like having to learn how to walk all over again." -Portia de Rossi-

This quote unfortunately hit me very hard yesterday and today.  I know things have been going really well and even in my positive days I have had ups and downs.  However, today for first time in four months since before I first started my Topamax migraine medication I had a food binge and a pretty heavy binge at that.  Obviously I have realized now that the side effects of the Topamax have settled down and my appetite has come back combined with one of the highest levels of stress I have had for quite awhile.  Being homesick away from family for several days, having a bad test in class, and swamped with alot of classwork while at clinical has just hit me so fast and as strong as I have been I could not hold steadfast long enough and relapsed.

I have been told my several people that they don't really know much about binge eating disorder and what it is like for people that have the disorder.  When I started this blog, answer that very question was one reason.  Another was to help keep me accountable and help process my emotions.  With that being said, I have been done with my clinical prep-work at the hotel since 1am and have since stayed up bingeing and trying to find any way possible to stop and cope in some other way.  It is now 6am and I have 30 minutes to get ready for my clinical.  These are just some of the emotions to battle through.  I did finally decide that I need to come up with something to interrupt the binge(s) right away and not remind me how bad and crippling they are.  As much anxiety and embarrassment as it will cause me to show this I have decided it is something I must do.  Below I am going to post a list of what I binged on with the shortened nutrition facts with recommended daily intake (RDA) plus a picture of the pile of containers.  First it will give you a visualization and two it will give me a visual reminder as well.  So here goes nothing:

1.) 10 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
2.) 3 8oz Cans of Dr. Pepper
3.) 1 20oz Bottle of Dr. Pepper
4.) 16 4oz cups of Dole Cherry Mixed Fruit
5.) 1 8oz bag of Lays Biscuits and Gravy Chips
6.) 1 Large Stuffed Crust Pizza Hut Pizza

Total Nutritional Facts- Calories Consumed: 6840 (2750),  Fat Consumed: 254g (<80g),  Sodium Consumed: 9165mg (<2000mg),  Carbs Consumed: 979g (225-325g),  Sugar Consumed: 576g (37.5g).

Even writing the rest of this blog still it is impossibly difficult to fight with myself not to just delete the post as a struggle to hide my shame of what I did.  Plus as I finish this blog it is actually now Oct. 16th and I have already had a smaller binge of a 12pc KFC extra crispy chicken bucket which is the following: Calories: 3620,  Total Fat: 245g,  Sodium: 8060mg,  Total Carbs: 140g,  Sugars: 0g

I know I have stayed strong for all of you for so long and though I was past having to worry about binging again.  But obviously it is like the quote I posted at the beginning of the blog post, it is just like trying to walk all over again.  Thank you all for your understanding and sorry for the "debby downer" blog post just after the campaign post I just did.  I promise as I work through this bump in the road I will keep blogging to continue my mission of creating binge eating and eating disorder awareness.

Mental Health Awareness Week

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) just got done with their annual National Mental Health Awareness Week campaign.  This campaign is designed to educate the public about all mental illnesses and the statistics people with mental illnesses face.  Furthermore, this week is meant to get people coming together and simply talking about mental illness.  Most importantly, trying to encourage people with mental illness to come out of the shadows to get the treatment they need.  But also getting the entire public to talk about mental illness not as an adjective or as the person is the illness.  We need to all come together as a community and support those who are ailing and need the help and treatment they deserve.

Whether it is an eating disorder, mood disorder, or any other mental illness, I ask anyone and everyone who knows anyone to simple post a comment to this blog, post a tweet on your Twitter page, post a Facebook comment, or even take an Instagram photo.  What about may you ask?  Whatever you want!  We need to start talking about mental illness!  People need to know it is ok to say I have depression, I have anorexia, I have binge eating disorder, I have bipolar disorder.  They need to know that they can be accepted for who they are and not be judged for a diagnosis that does not define their character.

LET'S STOP THE STIGMA OF MENTAL ILLNESS!!!!

Special Thank You

It was just a few short months ago that I started this blog and it was meant at first to help me process my thoughts and feelings surrounding my binge eating and migraines.  Since then, I have grown the blog into a means to reach others with a message that there is the light of hope even the darkest of days and that no matter how difficult things may be, we can all become our own hero.

I have prayed every day that as amateur of a blogger I may be, my message would reach at least some individuals to let them know they are not alone and there is someone out there willing to hear their story and help.

In just a few short months, not only have my prayers been answered, but I was humbled to see how much of an impact and reach my message has made in this day and age of social media and world access to the internet.  I have included a graphic below to outline a few milestones that the blog has achieved and all I can say is thank you to everyone for all your support and help in spreading the message.  All I can say moving forward is there is alot more work to do.  Any help you can lend with spreading the message by sharing the blog link or letting people you know that may be struggling with eating disorders of the blog that there is someone there to listen would be awesome.

I can't say it enough but thank you so much again for all your support and here's to more success in the future!