October 15th - Nobody Is Perfect

"Recovery feels like shit.  It didn't feel like I was doing something good; it felt like I was giving up.  It feels like having to learn how to walk all over again." -Portia de Rossi-

This quote unfortunately hit me very hard yesterday and today.  I know things have been going really well and even in my positive days I have had ups and downs.  However, today for first time in four months since before I first started my Topamax migraine medication I had a food binge and a pretty heavy binge at that.  Obviously I have realized now that the side effects of the Topamax have settled down and my appetite has come back combined with one of the highest levels of stress I have had for quite awhile.  Being homesick away from family for several days, having a bad test in class, and swamped with alot of classwork while at clinical has just hit me so fast and as strong as I have been I could not hold steadfast long enough and relapsed.

I have been told my several people that they don't really know much about binge eating disorder and what it is like for people that have the disorder.  When I started this blog, answer that very question was one reason.  Another was to help keep me accountable and help process my emotions.  With that being said, I have been done with my clinical prep-work at the hotel since 1am and have since stayed up bingeing and trying to find any way possible to stop and cope in some other way.  It is now 6am and I have 30 minutes to get ready for my clinical.  These are just some of the emotions to battle through.  I did finally decide that I need to come up with something to interrupt the binge(s) right away and not remind me how bad and crippling they are.  As much anxiety and embarrassment as it will cause me to show this I have decided it is something I must do.  Below I am going to post a list of what I binged on with the shortened nutrition facts with recommended daily intake (RDA) plus a picture of the pile of containers.  First it will give you a visualization and two it will give me a visual reminder as well.  So here goes nothing:

1.) 10 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
2.) 3 8oz Cans of Dr. Pepper
3.) 1 20oz Bottle of Dr. Pepper
4.) 16 4oz cups of Dole Cherry Mixed Fruit
5.) 1 8oz bag of Lays Biscuits and Gravy Chips
6.) 1 Large Stuffed Crust Pizza Hut Pizza

Total Nutritional Facts- Calories Consumed: 6840 (2750),  Fat Consumed: 254g (<80g),  Sodium Consumed: 9165mg (<2000mg),  Carbs Consumed: 979g (225-325g),  Sugar Consumed: 576g (37.5g).

Even writing the rest of this blog still it is impossibly difficult to fight with myself not to just delete the post as a struggle to hide my shame of what I did.  Plus as I finish this blog it is actually now Oct. 16th and I have already had a smaller binge of a 12pc KFC extra crispy chicken bucket which is the following: Calories: 3620,  Total Fat: 245g,  Sodium: 8060mg,  Total Carbs: 140g,  Sugars: 0g

I know I have stayed strong for all of you for so long and though I was past having to worry about binging again.  But obviously it is like the quote I posted at the beginning of the blog post, it is just like trying to walk all over again.  Thank you all for your understanding and sorry for the "debby downer" blog post just after the campaign post I just did.  I promise as I work through this bump in the road I will keep blogging to continue my mission of creating binge eating and eating disorder awareness.

Mental Health Awareness Week

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) just got done with their annual National Mental Health Awareness Week campaign.  This campaign is designed to educate the public about all mental illnesses and the statistics people with mental illnesses face.  Furthermore, this week is meant to get people coming together and simply talking about mental illness.  Most importantly, trying to encourage people with mental illness to come out of the shadows to get the treatment they need.  But also getting the entire public to talk about mental illness not as an adjective or as the person is the illness.  We need to all come together as a community and support those who are ailing and need the help and treatment they deserve.

Whether it is an eating disorder, mood disorder, or any other mental illness, I ask anyone and everyone who knows anyone to simple post a comment to this blog, post a tweet on your Twitter page, post a Facebook comment, or even take an Instagram photo.  What about may you ask?  Whatever you want!  We need to start talking about mental illness!  People need to know it is ok to say I have depression, I have anorexia, I have binge eating disorder, I have bipolar disorder.  They need to know that they can be accepted for who they are and not be judged for a diagnosis that does not define their character.

LET'S STOP THE STIGMA OF MENTAL ILLNESS!!!!

Special Thank You

It was just a few short months ago that I started this blog and it was meant at first to help me process my thoughts and feelings surrounding my binge eating and migraines.  Since then, I have grown the blog into a means to reach others with a message that there is the light of hope even the darkest of days and that no matter how difficult things may be, we can all become our own hero.

I have prayed every day that as amateur of a blogger I may be, my message would reach at least some individuals to let them know they are not alone and there is someone out there willing to hear their story and help.

In just a few short months, not only have my prayers been answered, but I was humbled to see how much of an impact and reach my message has made in this day and age of social media and world access to the internet.  I have included a graphic below to outline a few milestones that the blog has achieved and all I can say is thank you to everyone for all your support and help in spreading the message.  All I can say moving forward is there is alot more work to do.  Any help you can lend with spreading the message by sharing the blog link or letting people you know that may be struggling with eating disorders of the blog that there is someone there to listen would be awesome.

I can't say it enough but thank you so much again for all your support and here's to more success in the future!

October 10th - The Movement Has Begun

It has been overwhelming to see the support from everyone to help me carry on into this next chapter of my journey.  It has helped me to reflect on the experience I had with my birthday hike and what kind of future I want to see myself in not only next year but even years down the road.  Regardless of my nursing background, it is quite obvious that I can't continue living like I am by only eating 1500 calories or less every day and having very little activity.  Or on the other end eating so much food in a day that I two days worth of calories in 24 hours.  I want to be able to be there for my son and future kids to be able to play with them outside and run around outside and be active with them, not have to play with them only when I have the energy.  Furthermore, I have to set the example for them as their father.  As Juliette's song says, it is time to be my own "hero"!

I realized writing this blog that it has been quite awhile since I gave an update to how my eating disorder recovery has been going.  So with that, here we go.  I have continued to make frequent visits with my nutritionist and eating disorder therapist and try to find a happy balance and tactic to ensure I eat for sure breakfast, lunch, and dinner consistently every day.  I felt proud to tell my nutritionist about the breakthrough I made with my birthday hike and my plan to continue being active with more running and activity.  We both discussed that this might be the way to ensure I get my three main meals in each day because in order to make sure my body is able to have enough nutrients to complete even a short run, I will need to have all three meals.  So I am excited to see how things will go.  One area that we discussed that I have some nervousness about is this coming week I will be driving out to South Dakota for clinical and will be out there for 5 days doing 12 hour shifts.  This will definitely through my day to day routine off.  We did discuss some tactics to hopefully give myself the best chance at success and continue on the right path and still allow myself to even get in training runs while out there as well.  Overall, this is probably the most optimistic and positive I have felt about my eating disorder recovery throughout my entire journey.

Lastly, I have eluded to a plan I have throughout this blog and it is time to unveil what my short term and longer term goals are in the future I have set.  In my last blog post, I talked about how one of the best times of my life where I felt so much happiness was when I was able to run for fun and be able to line up at the starting line of races and then feel that adrenaline rush as I cross the finish line have that finishers medal donned around my neck.  With that being said, I have begun the popular training program donned the appropriate Couch to 5k with the plan to finally once again step up to the starting line at the 2015 Turkey Trot with my family at my side to cheer me on to the finish line.  My hope is that this will help me continue building on smaller positives to keep a more positive self esteem built up to combat my depressed feelings that feed the binge eating and/or anorexic feelings.  After the Turkey Trot, I still plan to run other races throughout 2016 but have yet to decide which ones to do.  Even though I am still in school and will not be graduating until December next year, only needing to train for 5k's and 10k's should not cause me to much stress and time commitment to have to train hours on end several days a week in order to have the conditioning to even just finish the race.

In closing, I just want to pass onto everyone another thank you for all the support and words of encouragement you have provided me throughout all this process.  It has been quite the difficult up and down battle and finally things are looking in a more positive light.  To all of you who are reading this blog that have your own battles, I want to remind you of two words to carry with you everyday, hope and hero.  Everyday, remind yourself that no matter whatever struggles you may be facing or how difficult things may be, stay strong and keep hope in your strength and and faith to get through it all.  Nobody is ever alone as there is are always people willing to listen and help when we feel we are in our darkest times.  It just takes that single step to say "help me".  That second word comes from the song that I passed on a few days ago and have recited to myself since then.  Whether if someone is putting you down, you are experiencing an eating disorder, or some other adversity, you can be your own hero.  Even by admitting to needing help, you are being a hero to yourself by using the strength of friendship to better yourself for the community and yourself.  By taking the step of saying you will take life into your own hands and make of it what you will and decide your own future and destiny will put you in the realm of the ultimate heroes.

Below is the link again of Juliette's music video as well as the link for a free mp3 download of the song.  I hope you enjoy and thank you again for all the support.

Juliette Reilly - Hero

Juliette Reilly - Hero Digital Track FREE Download

October 7th - When You Come To A Fork In The Road...

This past Monday was my 33rd birthday and for the beginning of another year I decided that I wanted to start on a big positive that I can build off.  So, since Catie and I started doing the MN State Park Hiking Club program, I decided what better way to do this and enjoy a beautiful day on my birthday then to go to one of the nearby parks and hike one of the longer trails.  We wound up going to William O' Brien State Park where the Hiking Club trail there is 6 miles and certainly a challenge with elevation changes.

With the weather perfect and just cool enough to keep the bugs away, we set out to tackle our adventure and at the start I was determined to finish this hike at all costs.

The farther we got into the hike, I began to feel this odd feeling stir inside me that I had not felt in a very very long time.  With each difficult hill climb or point where I was feeling a little winded or tired, I kept thinking about the goal of finishing the hike and that I have everything in me to do this hike.  About half way through the hike we came to a point where there was an extremely scenic point to the path and for some reason it started to make things clear as to the feelings I was experiencing since the start of the hike.

It was at this point that I remembered back to almost 5-6 years ago when I ran my very first race which was a 10k at the Northland Arboretum in Brainerd, MN.  I began to realize that when I was running that race and the others that followed (half marathons, Twin Cities Marathon, Grandmas Marathon), it was one of the purest internal happiest feelings I had had and could take away all stress that I was experiencing and I felt so go physically and mentally at that time.  Ironically enough, we came to a part of the trail that literally seemed to follow my entire thought journey through this whole epiphany.  We came to a fork in the road that had so much symbolism to it at the time I just started to smile.

While we had a map and knew which path to take for the Hiking Club, I just stopped and took in what this image meant to me.  To the left was the flat and easy path that would just keep us on the continued boring path of views of tall grass and obstructed views to the St. Croix river bluffs.  To the right was a long steep difficult climb which would reward us with some of the most beautiful scenic views in the park.  I began to think that for the past several years after finishing my two marathons, I have done nothing but taking the easy paths to get through left and rarely challenged myself.  Even when I would challenge myself, I wouldn't give my full effort and often times would cave in to the pressure and stress and allow it all to overtake me and slip in to difficult times.  So, it was then that I decided, today was the day that I start taking on the challenges of life head-on and not be afraid of what may come.  I powered right on up the hill and when I got to the top with Catie and Kieran, the views we saw were absolutely spectacular.

This was the point where I knew exactly what I am going to do from this point forward.  We finished the trail and I decided that when we left the park, my next journey would be to overcome binge eating disorder by any means necessary and work to be able to at least run 5K's and 10K's so that I have an avenue to run races and enjoy that time of lining up at a starting line and the rush of crossing the finish line and donning that medal.  I am nearing the 1yr anniversary of being diagnosed with binge eating disorder and I have let it go on far to long taking over my life and my emotions.  

What gave me the final catalyst to ignite this fire that was smoldering throughout the day into a massive brushfire was a song I came across on YouTube later in the evening.  I was catching up on videos that I missed on vlog channels that I watch and on the channel for Mcjuggernuggets, which is an individual who post funny videos of pranks and other similar videos.  Many of you probably saw a video of his recently where his dad ran over several of his Xbox games with a riding lawn mower.  Well I decided to look at his girlfriends channel, Juliette Reilly, and was surprised by a new original song she had just released that had a message that completely synced with the feelings I was feeling throughout the day.  Her new song is entitled "Hero" and talks about how no matter what you are going through in your life, if someone is making you feel small or unworthy of love, you can be your own hero. You are not your mistakes, and you are not who anybody else says you are.  This song speaks volumes to the message I am trying to get out there to anyone who may be dealing with an eating disorder and feel they are alone and weak.  There are so many people out there to support you and help you along the way.  But, you can be your own hero and write your own great future.  It just takes a single step forward to get help. 

I reached out to Juliette Reilly and got permission to post her song below and write up a little bit about it.  I want to thank her first for the permission to post the song.  More importantly, I want to thank her for writing this song as it can serve as such an inspiration for others that use music as a medium like I do to express and connect their feelings to cope with life.  This is such a great message and glad to pass it along.

Juliette Reilly - "Hero"

September 24th - Negatives to Positives

Before I begin my actual blog for this week, I want to stop and say thank you to everyone for their encouragement and support in this tough time in my life.  While I created this blog with the intent to help me process my struggle and help others along the way, I am still a long ways away from recovery.

That being said, these past few days have had some interesting break throughs but some other steps backwards.  First, the steps backwards have been that my migraines have began to show up a little more and I have not been able to pinpoint what the exact trigger has been as they have been both occurred whether I have eaten or not.  So between doctors and myself, we are trying to figure that mystery out.  On the eating front, things have actually improved a little bit as I have been able to get into a little bit of a routine in the mornings with my son when he eats and then dinner intake has been halfway decent.  Overall intake has still be around 1500 calories but it has been fairly consistent which is an overall improvement.

The one interesting breakthrough that I do want to share is one where I am still processing and reacting to but it definitely struck a chord with me that has been able to kind of snap me out of this funk I have been in about being constantly down and always focused on negatives.  To elaborate a little more, I watched this movie called Courageous which was directed by Stephen and Alex Kendrick who are the same brothers who directed the movie Love Dare and the movie that recently opened in theaters called War Room.  It is an extremely powerful movie that I highly recommend to for anyone to see.  I won't go into the details about the specifics of the movie.  But, the final scene is the four main characters who are fathers that worked throughout the entire movie to establish a resolution they would sign and commit to their children, wives, and God to serve as better fathers.  I have put the link to the final scene of the movie that is what really hit me and got me thinking.   Let me know what you think of this scene and/or the movie if you have seen the movie.

Adam's Speech from the movie "Courageous"

September 17th - Don't Know What To Do Right Now

It certainly has been quite a long time since I have posted a blog entry and my has it been a roller coaster of a month and a half.  My migraines have certainly improved in frequency and intensity as I am at the max dose that my headache specialist wanted me to get to.  I still get them frequently but nowhere near as bad as before.  However, when they do come, I still have to try and get my school work done around the pain and side effects.

What has actually become more of the issue is the eating side of things.  Because of the decreased appetite side effect of the Topamax that I am taking, the binging episodes have definitely been interrupted.  However, I have now been experiencing more anorexia than binge eating.  On average, I have been eating 1000-1200 calories per day and have lost quite a bit of weight.  What is difficult about this is that I have absolutely no hunger cue and will go the entire day with out feeling any desire to eat even a small little snack.  To describe the little hungry cue I do get is only later in the day around dinner time'ish if I haven't eaten anything then entire day.  When I do get that cue it is only equivalent to what most people have around what would probably be mid to late morning as they head towards lunch time and have already had breakfast and just feel a little bit hungry.

What is frustrating with this is that I know that I need to eat and am feeling the effects of not having the proper nutrients and nourishment my body needs.  However, I literally have to force myself to eat when sometimes I literally feel like I have no desire or urge to consume any food whatsoever.  The only thing that has been helpful to eat has been Catie cooking meals or having easy grab and go food.

What keeps eating away at me is that I have so many activities and things I would like to do.  But not matter how hard I try to work at getting better, it seems like I just keep taking steps backward and it just makes depression build and build and build.  I guess the next step is to keep trying to find more ways to find positives big or small to build off of and build from there.