December 10th - The Effects Have Begun To Show

Well it has been a little over a month since my last blog posting and to say it has been a roller coaster month of emotions would be a complete understatement.  I don't know that there is a thrill ride I have ever ridden on that I could compare to the mood swings I have experienced this past month.  While I have had many days where I have felt really good and celebrated positive days, there have been plenty where it has been the direct opposite.  When I have had depressed days, it has been to the point where all I want to do is lay on the couch and stare at the wall.  I literally would have no interest in even watching the TV.  On a positive note, when I have had good days and urges to want to binge on those days, I have been able to find ways to distract myself and fight through those urges without caving in.  However, on the flip side of things, when I have been in my depressed moods, the binges have been absolutely massive and I would pay the price both physically and emotionally.

I do have to say that while my migraines have come back a little in frequency, it has been fairly explainable in part to the increase in food intake and stress of my added depression.  Other than that, things have been doing well with the migraines.

However, the majority of the issues have been surrounded by the binge eating.  First, as you all know I have been seeing a therapist and nutritionist at an eating disorder clinic ever since I was diagnosed with B.E.D..  However, I was informed early last week that the clinic would be closing and my therapist was also leaving the practice to go elsewhere.  So not only did I have to decide if I wanted to go to a different location within the same clinic, but I had to decide if I would be ok with developing another rapport with a different therapist.  After a few days of consideration, I decided that staying with my same clinic and keeping my nutritionist would be the better option.  I informed my therapist of the decision and we had one last meeting this past week for me to update her on how things have been since it had been awhile.  In talking about I had essentially stalled in my progress and it appeared that my binge eating was becoming more and more evident to be reactionary to events, she suggested the idea of looking into a treatment called Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy with my new therapist.  Her hypothesis for this is that perhaps my binge eating was perhaps a defense mechanism I developed as a result of an underlying emotion or something in relation to past trauma(s) or something.  My plan is to explain to everyone in a future vlog on the Hope For Recovery YouTube channel on what EMDR therapy is and when is it used.

Aside from the eating disorder clinic, I had an appointment to see my primary physician earlier this week to update him on some issues I have been having with relation to mood, fatigue, and my blood sugar.  So as a result, he ordered a whole slew of labs to see where things are at and rule out some possible conditions.  As a result of the visit and labs, my depression is probably at the highest I have ever had it and the binges the worst they have been as I am trying to process this and realizing that the binge eating effects have begun to show.  Prior to seeing the doctor, I had purchased a blood sugar monitor to spot check my blood sugars as I was having days where I would feel absolutely crummy and experiencing signs that I could only explain as high blood sugar symptoms.  about a week and a half ago, I had a reading of 121 and 243.  For those of you who don't know the normal levels of blood sugar readings.  A healthy person should really hover right around 100.  Certainly 243 is an alarming number for a healthy person.  My blood sugar lab came back normal which was a relief.  However, because I am starting to have high readings at home, my doctor diagnosed me as borderline diabetic in my chart.  Also, as part of my check-in with the nurse, my blood pressure reading was about 140's / 100's which is very high.  Normal blood pressures should be about 120/80 - 140/80 max.  So as a result I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and put on a blood pressure medication.  Lastly, I was also diagnosed with high cholesterol as my cholesterol labs came back as the worst levels I have ever had.  As of right now I have not been put on any medication for the cholesterol but am still waiting to hear back that my doctor has acknowledged the labs.

I realize that I am at a crossroads in my life and a change needs to be made.  Many people tell me "well just stop eating so much food and start exercising! You are just going to have to do it otherwise you are going to kill yourself!"  My answer to that is that statement plays in my head literally 24 hours a day 7 days a week whether someone says it to me or not.  The problem is when I think of ways to plan my meals out, or set myself up for success, or simply order a healthy meal at a restaurant or decide on purchasing something healthy to cook at home for dinner, it is not that I don't mind doing it, my brain then turns to overdrive mode of anxiety and panic that I am looking at a box of food but have no limits other than the extent of how far my stomach is willing to stretch of how much I can eat.  So then to try and calm that anxiety, all I think about then is just buying any kind of food that will make me feel better regardless of quantity or nutrition counts.  So then I essentially begin to feel like a prisoner in my own brain.

Well that is pretty much all the update I have for everyone this time.  I should be posting more frequently now both here and on the Hope For Recovery YouTube Channel so keep an eye out there as well.  As always, if you know someone with an eating disorder that could use someone to talk to, reach out to them yourself and offer them your support or else I would be more than happy to talk with them as someone that is going through a similar pain they are.  Thank you all for the words of support and encouragement and I will talk to you soon!

October 24th - Progress is slow and sometimes painful

All I have to say is that I really hate that progress and recovery from an eating disorder is often pure hell.  Not so much because of the physical effects, but the emotional struggles that have to take place in order to retrain the brain to recognize healthy eating and what satiety is.  I had another visit with my team at the eating disorder clinic this week and we decided to start back up a tactic that I had some success in the past before my migraines had started several months ago.  This is used commonly in eating disorders and also in other mental illness treatments.

Because my binges tend to be pretty intense, there is no expectation for me to start right away at trying to wait 5 minutes before bingeing.  Instead, I will be simply trying to hold off as long as I possibly can (which usually is less than a minute) and then try to extend the time as I can.  That being said, since my last blog update, I have averaged a binge about every other day primarily due to high stress and depression.  What is hard is that I do have some positive things to look forward to in my life but the sad and depressed feelings are just coming on so strong and all I can think about is to shove my mouth full of food to make it better.  Or at least to take the edge off.  This is probably the best I can describe the constant battle that goes on in my head and I would imagine in alot of other individuals heads that have binge eating disorder.  It is a constant struggle to turn to food as a coping mechanism.  Not because seeing food is a trigger to anything (although for some it is) but as a comfort measure.  Thats why I can go out to dinner with friends or family and be just fine eating a regular meal.  It is when I am by myself or find some way to get away to be by myself and hit my stash of food and binge away in order to make things feel better.  

Thankfully, I have found another avenue to process my emotions and at least delay binges by writing blog posts here while also working to expand my efforts to create awareness about binge eating disorder and mental illness.  Especially now that things are picking up with starting the vlog channel on YouTube.  As some of you may have seen on Instagram, the editing of the opening credits has begin as well as the initial taping and writing of the outline for the first video.  My hope is to have the first video out within the week and then see how things go as to how frequent I will get videos out after that.

I know I have said this in every blog post up until now, but I want to extend a profound thank you to each and every one of you guys that have extended your kind words of support to me both for my struggles as of late and for the campaign taking off.  It has helped me push even harder seeing the outpouring of support grow exponentially.  Thank you all and I will talk to you all soon again!

I encourage you all to subscribe to the Hope For Recover YouTube channel so when the first video is uploaded, you can be the first ones to be able to view it!

Hope For Recovery YouTube Channel

October 21st - Questions answered about Binge Eating Disorder, PLUS A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

I will be writing a more detailed blog post about how things have been going since my last post in a day or two.  However, today I wanted to post another informational blog post about binge eating disorder.  This stems from many questions I get from family, friends, and strangers about what binge eating disorder is.  Also, people will often ask while deciding on places to eat out whether I would be ok with it because of my bingeing.  My hope is that this graphic (while very brief) will help shed a little light on what binge eating disorder is, the emotional aspects to it, and what it means to binge.  I encourage you to reach out and ask me any questions you may have about binge eating disorder as this is a fairly new classified eating disorder in comparison to others (i.e. anorexia nervosa, bulimia).  I am more than happy to answer any questions.

Now, on to my big announcement.  After a lot of consideration, planning, and research, I have decided to expand my efforts to share my message to another social media platform.  While Blogger, Facebook, and Twitter has been my primary means to process my own emotional and physical journey through binge eating disorder, I am finding that there is a large audience I have not been able to get my message out to.  As stated in an earlier blog post, depression and mental illness begins at such a young age and even more startling, suicide is the 3rd biggest killer of all youth 10-24.  What is the one social media site that this age group has a huge connection to and finds much of their education on?  YouTube.  That's right, I have decided that to expand my reach and help spread my message to the ages where eating disorders, depression, and suicide often are diagnosed the most and go untreated the most.  I have included the link to my channel below that I have created already in preparation of uploading videos.  As soon as the remaining of my equipment arrives in the next couple of days I will begin uploading vlog posts in conjunction with posts here.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help spread the word by subscribing to my YouTube channel and when videos start posting hitting the "like" or "thumbs-up" button as well as encouraging your friends to do the same.  Slowly but surely we are all making an impact and getting the message out there to those who are need!

Hope For Recovery YouTube Channel

October 19th - Giving in to what I don't have control of

For the last several days, it has been quite apparent that my binge eating has been back and with quite the veracity.  Being the nurse that I am with the caring mindset of always wanting to fix whatever is wrong, it has been driving me absolutely mad trying to figure out why it is back and so strong.  As the weekend kept going on, even while at clinical, my feelings of depression just kept growing and growing.  It has come to a point today that I have decided that in order to heal I need to follow the prayer that I say to myself every night before I go to bed.

What I have decided to submit to today is that I obviously have no control over this eating disorder as much as I thought I did before.  I need to trust in the process and look to help and support of my recovery team, family, and friends to rebuild my foundation and live my life that is not bound by the torture and jail of my mind that is causing me to turn to food to cope with my emotions.

I will share one video that I discovered this morning.  I originally saw this artist as a visiting artist at college where she performed for the students.  Even then I though she was an amazing performer.  However, seeing this video absolutely struck a nerve and helped me come to the thoughts I had to write the blog post today.  Shannon Curtis is such an amazing artist traveling the country spreading the same message of tolerance and awareness that those with mental illness are not alone, we have all been through hardships, and all need to help one another.  Again, thank you all for your support through this difficult stretch and hope to make the turn towards positive days ahead.

Shannon Curtis - I Know I Know

October 15th - Nobody Is Perfect

"Recovery feels like shit.  It didn't feel like I was doing something good; it felt like I was giving up.  It feels like having to learn how to walk all over again." -Portia de Rossi-

This quote unfortunately hit me very hard yesterday and today.  I know things have been going really well and even in my positive days I have had ups and downs.  However, today for first time in four months since before I first started my Topamax migraine medication I had a food binge and a pretty heavy binge at that.  Obviously I have realized now that the side effects of the Topamax have settled down and my appetite has come back combined with one of the highest levels of stress I have had for quite awhile.  Being homesick away from family for several days, having a bad test in class, and swamped with alot of classwork while at clinical has just hit me so fast and as strong as I have been I could not hold steadfast long enough and relapsed.

I have been told my several people that they don't really know much about binge eating disorder and what it is like for people that have the disorder.  When I started this blog, answer that very question was one reason.  Another was to help keep me accountable and help process my emotions.  With that being said, I have been done with my clinical prep-work at the hotel since 1am and have since stayed up bingeing and trying to find any way possible to stop and cope in some other way.  It is now 6am and I have 30 minutes to get ready for my clinical.  These are just some of the emotions to battle through.  I did finally decide that I need to come up with something to interrupt the binge(s) right away and not remind me how bad and crippling they are.  As much anxiety and embarrassment as it will cause me to show this I have decided it is something I must do.  Below I am going to post a list of what I binged on with the shortened nutrition facts with recommended daily intake (RDA) plus a picture of the pile of containers.  First it will give you a visualization and two it will give me a visual reminder as well.  So here goes nothing:

1.) 10 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
2.) 3 8oz Cans of Dr. Pepper
3.) 1 20oz Bottle of Dr. Pepper
4.) 16 4oz cups of Dole Cherry Mixed Fruit
5.) 1 8oz bag of Lays Biscuits and Gravy Chips
6.) 1 Large Stuffed Crust Pizza Hut Pizza

Total Nutritional Facts- Calories Consumed: 6840 (2750),  Fat Consumed: 254g (<80g),  Sodium Consumed: 9165mg (<2000mg),  Carbs Consumed: 979g (225-325g),  Sugar Consumed: 576g (37.5g).

Even writing the rest of this blog still it is impossibly difficult to fight with myself not to just delete the post as a struggle to hide my shame of what I did.  Plus as I finish this blog it is actually now Oct. 16th and I have already had a smaller binge of a 12pc KFC extra crispy chicken bucket which is the following: Calories: 3620,  Total Fat: 245g,  Sodium: 8060mg,  Total Carbs: 140g,  Sugars: 0g

I know I have stayed strong for all of you for so long and though I was past having to worry about binging again.  But obviously it is like the quote I posted at the beginning of the blog post, it is just like trying to walk all over again.  Thank you all for your understanding and sorry for the "debby downer" blog post just after the campaign post I just did.  I promise as I work through this bump in the road I will keep blogging to continue my mission of creating binge eating and eating disorder awareness.

Mental Health Awareness Week

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) just got done with their annual National Mental Health Awareness Week campaign.  This campaign is designed to educate the public about all mental illnesses and the statistics people with mental illnesses face.  Furthermore, this week is meant to get people coming together and simply talking about mental illness.  Most importantly, trying to encourage people with mental illness to come out of the shadows to get the treatment they need.  But also getting the entire public to talk about mental illness not as an adjective or as the person is the illness.  We need to all come together as a community and support those who are ailing and need the help and treatment they deserve.

Whether it is an eating disorder, mood disorder, or any other mental illness, I ask anyone and everyone who knows anyone to simple post a comment to this blog, post a tweet on your Twitter page, post a Facebook comment, or even take an Instagram photo.  What about may you ask?  Whatever you want!  We need to start talking about mental illness!  People need to know it is ok to say I have depression, I have anorexia, I have binge eating disorder, I have bipolar disorder.  They need to know that they can be accepted for who they are and not be judged for a diagnosis that does not define their character.

LET'S STOP THE STIGMA OF MENTAL ILLNESS!!!!

Special Thank You

It was just a few short months ago that I started this blog and it was meant at first to help me process my thoughts and feelings surrounding my binge eating and migraines.  Since then, I have grown the blog into a means to reach others with a message that there is the light of hope even the darkest of days and that no matter how difficult things may be, we can all become our own hero.

I have prayed every day that as amateur of a blogger I may be, my message would reach at least some individuals to let them know they are not alone and there is someone out there willing to hear their story and help.

In just a few short months, not only have my prayers been answered, but I was humbled to see how much of an impact and reach my message has made in this day and age of social media and world access to the internet.  I have included a graphic below to outline a few milestones that the blog has achieved and all I can say is thank you to everyone for all your support and help in spreading the message.  All I can say moving forward is there is alot more work to do.  Any help you can lend with spreading the message by sharing the blog link or letting people you know that may be struggling with eating disorders of the blog that there is someone there to listen would be awesome.

I can't say it enough but thank you so much again for all your support and here's to more success in the future!

October 10th - The Movement Has Begun

It has been overwhelming to see the support from everyone to help me carry on into this next chapter of my journey.  It has helped me to reflect on the experience I had with my birthday hike and what kind of future I want to see myself in not only next year but even years down the road.  Regardless of my nursing background, it is quite obvious that I can't continue living like I am by only eating 1500 calories or less every day and having very little activity.  Or on the other end eating so much food in a day that I two days worth of calories in 24 hours.  I want to be able to be there for my son and future kids to be able to play with them outside and run around outside and be active with them, not have to play with them only when I have the energy.  Furthermore, I have to set the example for them as their father.  As Juliette's song says, it is time to be my own "hero"!

I realized writing this blog that it has been quite awhile since I gave an update to how my eating disorder recovery has been going.  So with that, here we go.  I have continued to make frequent visits with my nutritionist and eating disorder therapist and try to find a happy balance and tactic to ensure I eat for sure breakfast, lunch, and dinner consistently every day.  I felt proud to tell my nutritionist about the breakthrough I made with my birthday hike and my plan to continue being active with more running and activity.  We both discussed that this might be the way to ensure I get my three main meals in each day because in order to make sure my body is able to have enough nutrients to complete even a short run, I will need to have all three meals.  So I am excited to see how things will go.  One area that we discussed that I have some nervousness about is this coming week I will be driving out to South Dakota for clinical and will be out there for 5 days doing 12 hour shifts.  This will definitely through my day to day routine off.  We did discuss some tactics to hopefully give myself the best chance at success and continue on the right path and still allow myself to even get in training runs while out there as well.  Overall, this is probably the most optimistic and positive I have felt about my eating disorder recovery throughout my entire journey.

Lastly, I have eluded to a plan I have throughout this blog and it is time to unveil what my short term and longer term goals are in the future I have set.  In my last blog post, I talked about how one of the best times of my life where I felt so much happiness was when I was able to run for fun and be able to line up at the starting line of races and then feel that adrenaline rush as I cross the finish line have that finishers medal donned around my neck.  With that being said, I have begun the popular training program donned the appropriate Couch to 5k with the plan to finally once again step up to the starting line at the 2015 Turkey Trot with my family at my side to cheer me on to the finish line.  My hope is that this will help me continue building on smaller positives to keep a more positive self esteem built up to combat my depressed feelings that feed the binge eating and/or anorexic feelings.  After the Turkey Trot, I still plan to run other races throughout 2016 but have yet to decide which ones to do.  Even though I am still in school and will not be graduating until December next year, only needing to train for 5k's and 10k's should not cause me to much stress and time commitment to have to train hours on end several days a week in order to have the conditioning to even just finish the race.

In closing, I just want to pass onto everyone another thank you for all the support and words of encouragement you have provided me throughout all this process.  It has been quite the difficult up and down battle and finally things are looking in a more positive light.  To all of you who are reading this blog that have your own battles, I want to remind you of two words to carry with you everyday, hope and hero.  Everyday, remind yourself that no matter whatever struggles you may be facing or how difficult things may be, stay strong and keep hope in your strength and and faith to get through it all.  Nobody is ever alone as there is are always people willing to listen and help when we feel we are in our darkest times.  It just takes that single step to say "help me".  That second word comes from the song that I passed on a few days ago and have recited to myself since then.  Whether if someone is putting you down, you are experiencing an eating disorder, or some other adversity, you can be your own hero.  Even by admitting to needing help, you are being a hero to yourself by using the strength of friendship to better yourself for the community and yourself.  By taking the step of saying you will take life into your own hands and make of it what you will and decide your own future and destiny will put you in the realm of the ultimate heroes.

Below is the link again of Juliette's music video as well as the link for a free mp3 download of the song.  I hope you enjoy and thank you again for all the support.

Juliette Reilly - Hero

Juliette Reilly - Hero Digital Track FREE Download

October 7th - When You Come To A Fork In The Road...

This past Monday was my 33rd birthday and for the beginning of another year I decided that I wanted to start on a big positive that I can build off.  So, since Catie and I started doing the MN State Park Hiking Club program, I decided what better way to do this and enjoy a beautiful day on my birthday then to go to one of the nearby parks and hike one of the longer trails.  We wound up going to William O' Brien State Park where the Hiking Club trail there is 6 miles and certainly a challenge with elevation changes.

With the weather perfect and just cool enough to keep the bugs away, we set out to tackle our adventure and at the start I was determined to finish this hike at all costs.

The farther we got into the hike, I began to feel this odd feeling stir inside me that I had not felt in a very very long time.  With each difficult hill climb or point where I was feeling a little winded or tired, I kept thinking about the goal of finishing the hike and that I have everything in me to do this hike.  About half way through the hike we came to a point where there was an extremely scenic point to the path and for some reason it started to make things clear as to the feelings I was experiencing since the start of the hike.

It was at this point that I remembered back to almost 5-6 years ago when I ran my very first race which was a 10k at the Northland Arboretum in Brainerd, MN.  I began to realize that when I was running that race and the others that followed (half marathons, Twin Cities Marathon, Grandmas Marathon), it was one of the purest internal happiest feelings I had had and could take away all stress that I was experiencing and I felt so go physically and mentally at that time.  Ironically enough, we came to a part of the trail that literally seemed to follow my entire thought journey through this whole epiphany.  We came to a fork in the road that had so much symbolism to it at the time I just started to smile.

While we had a map and knew which path to take for the Hiking Club, I just stopped and took in what this image meant to me.  To the left was the flat and easy path that would just keep us on the continued boring path of views of tall grass and obstructed views to the St. Croix river bluffs.  To the right was a long steep difficult climb which would reward us with some of the most beautiful scenic views in the park.  I began to think that for the past several years after finishing my two marathons, I have done nothing but taking the easy paths to get through left and rarely challenged myself.  Even when I would challenge myself, I wouldn't give my full effort and often times would cave in to the pressure and stress and allow it all to overtake me and slip in to difficult times.  So, it was then that I decided, today was the day that I start taking on the challenges of life head-on and not be afraid of what may come.  I powered right on up the hill and when I got to the top with Catie and Kieran, the views we saw were absolutely spectacular.

This was the point where I knew exactly what I am going to do from this point forward.  We finished the trail and I decided that when we left the park, my next journey would be to overcome binge eating disorder by any means necessary and work to be able to at least run 5K's and 10K's so that I have an avenue to run races and enjoy that time of lining up at a starting line and the rush of crossing the finish line and donning that medal.  I am nearing the 1yr anniversary of being diagnosed with binge eating disorder and I have let it go on far to long taking over my life and my emotions.  

What gave me the final catalyst to ignite this fire that was smoldering throughout the day into a massive brushfire was a song I came across on YouTube later in the evening.  I was catching up on videos that I missed on vlog channels that I watch and on the channel for Mcjuggernuggets, which is an individual who post funny videos of pranks and other similar videos.  Many of you probably saw a video of his recently where his dad ran over several of his Xbox games with a riding lawn mower.  Well I decided to look at his girlfriends channel, Juliette Reilly, and was surprised by a new original song she had just released that had a message that completely synced with the feelings I was feeling throughout the day.  Her new song is entitled "Hero" and talks about how no matter what you are going through in your life, if someone is making you feel small or unworthy of love, you can be your own hero. You are not your mistakes, and you are not who anybody else says you are.  This song speaks volumes to the message I am trying to get out there to anyone who may be dealing with an eating disorder and feel they are alone and weak.  There are so many people out there to support you and help you along the way.  But, you can be your own hero and write your own great future.  It just takes a single step forward to get help. 

I reached out to Juliette Reilly and got permission to post her song below and write up a little bit about it.  I want to thank her first for the permission to post the song.  More importantly, I want to thank her for writing this song as it can serve as such an inspiration for others that use music as a medium like I do to express and connect their feelings to cope with life.  This is such a great message and glad to pass it along.

Juliette Reilly - "Hero"

September 24th - Negatives to Positives

Before I begin my actual blog for this week, I want to stop and say thank you to everyone for their encouragement and support in this tough time in my life.  While I created this blog with the intent to help me process my struggle and help others along the way, I am still a long ways away from recovery.

That being said, these past few days have had some interesting break throughs but some other steps backwards.  First, the steps backwards have been that my migraines have began to show up a little more and I have not been able to pinpoint what the exact trigger has been as they have been both occurred whether I have eaten or not.  So between doctors and myself, we are trying to figure that mystery out.  On the eating front, things have actually improved a little bit as I have been able to get into a little bit of a routine in the mornings with my son when he eats and then dinner intake has been halfway decent.  Overall intake has still be around 1500 calories but it has been fairly consistent which is an overall improvement.

The one interesting breakthrough that I do want to share is one where I am still processing and reacting to but it definitely struck a chord with me that has been able to kind of snap me out of this funk I have been in about being constantly down and always focused on negatives.  To elaborate a little more, I watched this movie called Courageous which was directed by Stephen and Alex Kendrick who are the same brothers who directed the movie Love Dare and the movie that recently opened in theaters called War Room.  It is an extremely powerful movie that I highly recommend to for anyone to see.  I won't go into the details about the specifics of the movie.  But, the final scene is the four main characters who are fathers that worked throughout the entire movie to establish a resolution they would sign and commit to their children, wives, and God to serve as better fathers.  I have put the link to the final scene of the movie that is what really hit me and got me thinking.   Let me know what you think of this scene and/or the movie if you have seen the movie.

Adam's Speech from the movie "Courageous"

September 17th - Don't Know What To Do Right Now

It certainly has been quite a long time since I have posted a blog entry and my has it been a roller coaster of a month and a half.  My migraines have certainly improved in frequency and intensity as I am at the max dose that my headache specialist wanted me to get to.  I still get them frequently but nowhere near as bad as before.  However, when they do come, I still have to try and get my school work done around the pain and side effects.

What has actually become more of the issue is the eating side of things.  Because of the decreased appetite side effect of the Topamax that I am taking, the binging episodes have definitely been interrupted.  However, I have now been experiencing more anorexia than binge eating.  On average, I have been eating 1000-1200 calories per day and have lost quite a bit of weight.  What is difficult about this is that I have absolutely no hunger cue and will go the entire day with out feeling any desire to eat even a small little snack.  To describe the little hungry cue I do get is only later in the day around dinner time'ish if I haven't eaten anything then entire day.  When I do get that cue it is only equivalent to what most people have around what would probably be mid to late morning as they head towards lunch time and have already had breakfast and just feel a little bit hungry.

What is frustrating with this is that I know that I need to eat and am feeling the effects of not having the proper nutrients and nourishment my body needs.  However, I literally have to force myself to eat when sometimes I literally feel like I have no desire or urge to consume any food whatsoever.  The only thing that has been helpful to eat has been Catie cooking meals or having easy grab and go food.

What keeps eating away at me is that I have so many activities and things I would like to do.  But not matter how hard I try to work at getting better, it seems like I just keep taking steps backward and it just makes depression build and build and build.  I guess the next step is to keep trying to find more ways to find positives big or small to build off of and build from there.

June 29th - Frustration

So it has been quite a few days since my last post and I wish I could just say it has been because I have been procrastinating.  Unfortunately, this past week has been so mentally and physically taxing due to migraines and as a result increased depression and urges to binge.

With regards to migraines, the one positive I have had is that my Topamax is causing my migraines to not come on as strong as fast.  However, they are still occurring quite frequently.  While I understand that today is still not over, today is the only day this week I have not had a migraine.  Also, I have begun to realize that one of my new triggers is loud noises.  More specifically, Kieran has begun to really develop his personality and voice.  When he wants something, is frustrated, tired, or crabby he is beginning to scream at the top of his lungs or get extremely loud.  A perfect example is yesterday I had a headache for a good portion of the day but was able to finally get it to go away.  However, later in the day, Kieran and I were running some errands and he started just screaming in the back of the car for whatever reason and I could literally feel my head just tighten up and the headache pain startup.  By the time we got home I was in full blown migraine mode and had to do yet another one of my injections.  While I am trying to stay positive that my migraines are not getting as severe as before, I am still getting frustrated as hell at having more days than not having to be in pain.  Second, I am struggling with trying to figure out how to cope with when Kieran does his screaming because I obviously can't avoid my son.  Only time will tell I guess.

On the binge eating side of things, the urges have been persistent with averaging about twice per day. However, I have been following what my nutritionist recommended with eating high protein meals for breakfast every morning instead of eating cereal.  So I have been eating at least a couple eggs with cheese and some bacon.  By doing this, it has allowed me to keep the intensity of the cravings reduced significantly.  Also, I have found that the Topamax that I have been taking for my migraines have been starting to reduce my hunger cravings as well.  Specifically, when I go to eat my meals, I can't stand to eat nowhere near the portions I used to before.  While I look to this as another positive, I don't view this as a permanent future solution as I would rather be able to control my portion sizes naturally instead of with the use of medicines.

As a resource to leave you all with, I leave you with another song that I have used for inspiration to get me through tough times.  I have also used a music video that was created to go along with this song as well.  I hope you enjoy.

As always, thank you all for your support.

Danny Gokey - Hope In Front Of Me  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nL_9FB8pic

July 22nd - Ready To Make Some Changes

Hey everyone, I know it has been a little longer between posts than my previous ones but since being back from vacation it has been difficult to get back into the swing of things.  That being said, things on the migraine front have been pretty much business as usual having about as frequent as before I saw my specialist, however I have noticed they are not getting as intense.  This I have been thankful so that I could be more functional around the house and whatnot.  Today is when I increase my Topamax dose so we will see over the next week if I continue to notice some improvement.

I would have to say that there have been more developments on the binge eating side of things than the migraine side.  After getting back from vacation, and in preparation for my appointment with my therapist at the eating disorder clinic; I reflected on how my eating habits were throughout all last week.  What I came to realize is that while most days we had eggs with bacon in them and I probably about at least 2 servings worth, my eating throughout the rest of the day was much more subdued.  There were definitely points throughout the day where I had urges to want to binge.  However, those binges only last for about 3-4 small little "100 calorie" size snack bags of fruit snacks or crackers until I felt way to full to eat anything else.  This I was definitely excited for and took as another small little victory.  I also noticed that when most of my binges occurred on vacation was when high stress situations occurred around family issues while we were at the cabin and I had access to my stash of food.  These situations were certainly nothing major but I could just start feeling my anxiety climbing and thats when I felt the urge to eat a ton of food.  Then when my appointment came yesterday with my therapist, aside from reviewing how my week on vacation went, we also discussed the recommendations of my headache specialist to cutout caffeine entirely as well as artificial sweeteners (ex. aspartame) to hopefully reduce triggers.  To try and head in this direction, we decided on a gameplan of allowing myself 4 20oz bottles of pop throughout the day (or equivalent).  After two weeks, I would reduce this amount by 1 bottle and keep doing this every two weeks to try and slowly wean off the caffeine and hopefully avoid feeling restricted.

Overall, I think I am definitely headed on the right track to recovery and will get both my binge eating and migraines under control and lead a healthy lifestyle into the future.

To close this blog off, I will leave a tip primarily directed to those who are struggling with eating disorders or would like to keep in touch mentally with their eating habits.  I have found an app (I have an iPhone but there may be same version on Android as well) called "Rise Up".  This app will allow you to log your meals for the day in a much broader fashion than most "meal log apps".  Rise Up has you log basically a description of what you ate (4 bowls of cinnamon toast crunch) and then where and when you ate it and how were you feeling around that time.  This has helped both me and my eating disorder team see the patterns both in my binges and my eating throughout the day to try and better manage my meal intakes to give me a more balanced nutrient and portion intake throughout the day.  Overall a very good app.

Thanks again everyone for the support.

July 18th - One Step Forward, One Step Back

While I have been able to have some success in fighting through binges, it has still been difficult and mentally taxing.  Even while using some of my new meditation techniques to work through my urges to binge, they are still as strong as ever and all I want to do is find any food in sight and shove it in my mouth.

Unfortunately, I woke up with a migraine yesterday morning and used my new DHE injection and Aleve.  Thankfully it worked well except that I forgot that the headache specialist told me to take my Zofran 15 minutes before the injection because the DHE has a tendency to cause nausea.  So I wound up actually having a nauseated feeling for most of the day.  Other than that episode yesterday, I have been without a migraine since then.  

As a result of the nauseated feeling and stress from the migraine, I wound up having frequent and strong urges to binge all day yesterday.  One thing that I have found that has consistently helped to cause me to feel fuller much quicker during binges is we have had eggs and bacon most of the mornings on vacation and I have had quite a bit each morning.  This has allowed my stomach to take longer to digest the food and stay fuller longer.  When I get the binge urges, I have actually been consuming maybe half of what I used to eat.  That being said though, yesterday I had about 3 times where I had the crazy "shove my mouth with food" feeling and twice I was not able to fight through it and caved into the urge because of the intensity.  I feel good that I am able to work through some of the urges but I also am beginning to get this feeling that I can't be expected to go through life being in torture each time I get a binge urge to fight with myself and not eat.  I also don't know why, but today I am having quite a feeling of being depressed in general.  I have been trying to reflect and pinpoint where it is coming from or what the root source is but I can't figure it out.  I suppose just trying to figure out and not being able to is just making things worse.  Overall, still trying to stay positive and use every small victory to help me carry through to the next.

As far as a coping tip to leave you with, I give you the first of many songs that I have found that relate to the emotions I have been feeling as well as them serving as motivation to keep pushing on to keep faith that things will get better.  This song actually has two versions.  One version is sung by the christian group Philips, Craig, and Dean.  The other version of the song is sung by Danny Gokey who was a 3rd place runner up contestant on one of the more recent seasons of American Idol.  I hope you enjoy the songs and can relate to their message as well.

Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Philips, Craig, and Dean

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_iKP5jdTxQ

Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcnIJYkgVS8

July 16th - Optimistic Future

Even though I had to interrupt my vacation yesterday to drive down to the Twin Cities for a 5 hour appointment with a headache specialist team, I am extremely optimistic that my future of headache relief is looking much better.  To help reduce the frequency and intensity of the migraines, I was prescribed Topamax which is an anticonvulsant medication that also works well with migraines.  Also, the specialist said that due to my history with binge eating disorder, the Topamax has a side effect of "weight loss" or "decreased appetite".  While I still need to work on controlling my urges without the use of medications, I am happy to know that I will have some added help to hopefully reduce the amount of food I am consuming and slow my weight gain.  For my acute treatment to use when getting a headache, I was switched off of Imitrex and prescribed dihydroergotamine (DHE) to be also taken with 3 tablets of regular strength Aleve.  If all else fails from the 3 injections of DHE I can do then I was also prescribed Toradal which is typically what I would get when I would have to go to the emergency room when everything else I had tried would not work.  This I am very thankful for because this should hopefully keep me out of the emergency room and save money and the stress of being there.

As far as an update I am so far I am 42 hours without a migraine and have been able to finally enjoy some time on vacation.  We all have a laugh at how big the bag of stuff was I got from the pharmacy due to all the syringes and sharps container and everything.  Overall from the perspective of my migraines, it has been a good last couple days.

On the other side of things with my binge eating, I have actually been doing pretty good there.  I am still averaging about 1-2 episodes of wanting to binge which usually is preceded by something stressful occurring around the cabin.  However, when I am getting the binge urges, it is feeling a little easier to ride through the wave and if anything, eat a few packs of "100 calorie" size snacks out of by "binge food bag".  My binge food bag is something I have brought with me on any out of town outing I have gone on which is basically a backpack filled with a cornacopia of various snacks that I like to binge on.

All in all I am building off of the positivity of the little victories I am having and grasping onto any coping techniques that I am doing that is successful.

One thing I am finding that has given me success in staying strong and keeping hope up that things will get better is reciting every morning The Serenity Prayer which states:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".  This prayer is often used in addiction counseling but also has conotation in so many other areas of life.  As I am progressing through my journey of binge eating recovery and migraine relief, I have realized that I need to realize there are things I can't control or change but the things I can change I must stay strong and keep up hope to know things will get better.

Thank you all again for reading my blog and the kind words you have all passed on to me.  Your support has been amazing and has only strengthened my resolve to push forward.

July 13th- Trying to stay strong

Today was perhaps the most difficult day I have ever had to deal with migraines and my binge eating.  To start the morning I woke up immediately with a full blown migraine which thankfully I was able to get under control with an Imitrex tab and a couple more hours of sleep.  However, maybe a couple hours after my headache went away, I had yet another one start up and took my second and final Imitrex for the day.  The thing I really hate about taking my Imitrex tabs is that when I get maxed out earlier in the day, I wind up having this dazed almost foggy feeling all over.  Sometimes it causes me to be a little slow in processing what I am trying to think or work through a problem or question.  Any way, this second migraine lasted about 2-3 hours which took me into about 2pm.  To try and get the "foggy" feeling to go away, I decided to lay down and rest for a little bit.  Unfortunately, I got to wake up to my third migraine for the day.  Hoping for a miracle, I decided to take a couple extra strength Tylenol which thankfully caught the headache early enough and I was able to end the day without a headache.

As far as my binge eating for the day, I started out going out to breakfast with Catie and her mom and decided try what my nutritionist suggested and have a breakfast with more protein than just having several bowls of cereal which is what I usually have in the mornings.  That being said, I had country fried steak with the gravy along with some of Catie's french toast and some hash browns.  While it tasted good, I still felt myself wanting even more food.  I decided to try and let the feeling to binge come and think about other things to distract me from the intense thoughts of eating food.  Thankfully, because I was not around any other food I could get my hands on I was able to ride out the urge to binge.  Trying to ride out this urge I swear felt like one of the hardest things I have tried to do in a long time and felt pretty close to a form of torture.  After breakfast, Catie, her mom, and I went out to go in to Brainerd/Baxter and get a few things at Target.  While at Target we stopped in the Starbucks and all I could focus on while my drink was being made was ordering just about any pastry/treat that was in the food display.  I kept feeling the urge to build more and more and more until finally my drink was done and I literally stopped at the pick-up station with my hand on my drink quarreling in my mind over whether or not to order some kind of pastry.  Thankfully I was able to fight through this and walk away.  I didn't have any other urges for the remainder of being out and about.  Once we got back to the cabin however in the middle of my second migraine, all I wanted to do was to have a break and find any way to take the edge off of being depressed and frustrated from my headaches.  Before laying down, I went into my "snack pack" and began to eat what wound up being 3 snack size Pringle packs, 4 packs of fruit snacks, 4 packs of cheese crackers, 1 sandwich bag size of Cheese-Its and 6 small brownie bites from Sam's Club.  Of course I didn't feel any better, if not worse, because my stomach was now overly full and began to give me the all to familiar nauseated feeling.  Plus, this only made my migraines worse.  I couldn't help but feel ashamed and depressed that I was not able to stay strong and not cave into the urge to binge.  After sleeping for awhile, I was able to focus on cooking dinner and read my book for awhile.  This actually went well even tough I had nothing but food in front of me while grilling.  Once I sat down to eat dinner though, it was a different story.  I was able to maintain my goal of eating just a hamburger and a brat. But, once I started eating the cut-up watermelon, I felt the feeling of it tasting good and only making me feel the urge to want to binge begin to kick in once again.  I wound up eating about 5 servings of watermelon and then once inside the cabin about 3/4 of a bag of chips.  Once I began to feel even a remote feeling of Kieran needing to get changed, I was able to immediately stop binging and focus on other things.  For the remainder of the evening I was able to focus solely on playing a game with the family.

Like I said earlier, today was probably the most difficult day (migraine wise) I have ever had to experiencing with my migraines or even my bingeing.  Due to my initial post, many people have commented on trying some other techniques such as relaxing breathing, music, and medications.  In order to not let the migraines and binging get the best of me, I was able to use my next coping skill to suggest for you all.  That technique is called guided imagery.  By thinking about an environment that I can rely on to bring happiness and joy if I were able to be there.  Guided imagery has oddly enough only worked on certain days and to a limited effect with the migraines.  Whether it be for binge eating or other issues, guided imagery is my suggestion for you all to try as a coping mechanism for your fishing lisence.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and I look forward to hearing/reading any comments that you may have to help me improve the blog.  Thanks again everyone and I appreciate all the positive energy and encouragement you have always provided me and continue to provide me to this day.  Thanks again.

July 11th, 2015

In hopes to help myself process my thoughts and feelings through my struggles dealing with migraines and binge eating disorder, I decided that starting a blog would be a good fit.  Heck, if my blog even reaches the eyes of someone who may be coping with or struggling to cope with the same illnesses I am, then my blog could hopefully serve as a beacon to let them know they are not alone.  Maybe I might learn other tips or advice along the way.

That being said, today was one of those days where I woke up in the morning and knew that it was going to be a struggle from the start.  Today I woke up with my 4th migraine for the week.  It wasn't quite full blown but I definitely had the aura going and right sided head pain that I have come to hate.  Unfortunately, I did not have the time or luxury to lay in bed with a pillow over my head and wait for my medications to work as Catie was very sick, Kieran was about to wake up, and I had to leave to drive down to Rochester for a health screening clinic I was participating in.  So I sucked it up, popped my first Imitrex tablet for the day and began getting ready.  It took about 3 hours and an additional 800mg to finally get the headache to calm down.  Thankfully it did because just as I realized my headache had let up, I was pulling in the parking lot of the Sam's Club that the clinic was being held at.

Now this blog so far seems to be more about my headaches and less about my binge eating disorder.  Well, let's back up and I will shine some light on how the day went with my binge eating.  Because I woke up with a migraine going right from the start, I immediately felt like I wanted to shove the closest thing to resembling food I could get my hands on and quickly.  Aside from my Imitrex, I immediately began hoping that by eating whatever I could, it would help distract my mind from focusing on the pain of my migraine.  Well, eating 4 bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch certainly did taste good, but once I felt that familiar feeling of nausea as my stomach was filled to the max, my headache only got more painful.  Once the pounding began to increase, I remembered having thoughts of "nothing is ever going to give me relief from any of this" "I swear I am going to live in this hell for a long time and not find any hope of getting better".  As I began to hear Kieran waking up on the monitor, my thoughts began to switch to, "I need to get a handle on my eating, if not for me, for my son and wife" "my headaches may cripple me right now, but so help me god, my addiction to food sure as hell isn't going to".  After rushing to get Kieran ready for the day, say goodbye to Catie, and drive to Catie's mom's to drop Kieran off, I began noticing that my stomach was having that grumbly hunger type feeling start up.  I was confused by this because not just an hour before I had just finish pounding down 4 bowls of cereal.  I decided to fight through it and keep telling myself that I don't need to eat right now, my body got plenty of food this morning.  This mantra got me through about the next 10 minutes until I pulled over to fill the car up with gas and just kept staring at the golden arches of McDonalds right across the street.  That grumbly hunger feeling just got more intense and my depressed feelings about eating a McGriddle sandwich with the sweet tasting syrup in the bun and the saltiness of the hash browns just started taking over.  Needless to say I made the short drive to the drive through and in no time was scarfing down that breakfast value meal.  It wasn't until 45 minutes later or so that I noticed the feeling of hunger disipate and I could focus on driving and listening to music.

Once I got to the clinic, I was actually excited for a couple reasons: 1.) I was actually going to earn some money and 2.) I was getting to learn some new skillsets to help market me as a nurse in the expansive field of nursing.